I am truly standing

.

Outside this womans work ....

Aha-ooh! Aha-ooh! Aha-ooh!
"You'll have to wait in here."

Pray God you can cope.
I'll stand outside
This woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man.
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking:
All the things I should have said, but I never said.
All the things we should have done, but we never did.
All the things I should have given, but I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away!

Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.

(I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.)

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should have said, but I never said.
All the things we should have done, but we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should have given, but I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.

one last time ....

.

Today, I drove to the school one last time for Ashley. They had ran out of diploma holders and made the announcement at graduation to stop by today and pick them up. Before I get to the school, I stop and get a card for Mrs. Galeas. Thanking her for all she's done, all she has helped with and for being strong and giving dhall when she had too. I also put a 20.00 gift card to Chili's for some much needed presidente margaritas and Ashleys graduation picture. She will always be remembered.

As I exited, I thought about all the times I had driven to this school over the past four years. Picking her up for doctors &dentist appointments, the times she was sick, watching track meets, art shows open houses, summer school and meetings. I could not believe this was the last time I would make this trip for Ashley. A chapter has closed.

I walk into the school and on auto pilot go to the assistants offices. I peek into Mrs. Galeas office, she's not there, I leave the card on her desk. There are students milling around, taking last chance exams, paying for books and getting transcripts. As I wait to ask about the holder, I hear a voice, "You must be SOOOOOOO HAPPY!". I turn around, it's Mrs. Galeas. Her arms are already open as she hugs me. We talk about Ashley running into her arms at graduation, I want to ask what was said in that millisecond, but don't. We chat about how happy we were and how we both have never seen Ashley happier. I thank her for everything she has done, she gets me the holder and hugs me again. "Now we will only see each other at the pool!" she says. Funny, she lives in the neighborhood next to mine. I whisper to her, "there's something in your office" and leave, for the last time regarding Ashley.

It's bittersweet. Ashley hasn't been home since graduation, she's been bunking up at Chanells. She has called and let us know where she is and it has been very nice, quiet and stress free our first week into the summer.

Larry & I went and bought some more trees for our backyard. It's huge. We bought an apple & pear tree, an autumn blaze maple, a flowering crabapple and an arizona ash to provide shade but far away from the pool so the roots don't crack it. Last year we planted a pecan tree and it's starting to come around. I went back today for some 1 gallon gardenias to line the pool, they smell sooooo good! We have a year before our family reunion in Texas and our house will be the host. This is the main drive for the backyard beautification.

Tonight I will make sketti for my banana. I'm going to use the macaroni noodles again instead of angel hair. I am going to begin work on the shadow box for Ashleys graduation stuff. Her diploma, tassel, ticket and other fun stuff. I will save it here for her until she gets her own place.

She still hasn't signed the early deployment papers and I gently reminded her she needs to do so. Tomorrow she will. It is time to move on to the next chapter of her life, and ours too.

ashes to ashes

.

When my Mom died, in the midst of everything, I suddenly remembered she wanted to be cremated and spread over her Granny's grave. My Grandfather (her Dad) objected slightly, but then relented. We were torn though, Great Granny was buried far away, and we really didn't have any kind of place to just visit her.

What was decided is that we would purchase a small urn to fill, then the rest would be scattered. Now, I know that sounds weird, but you would have to have known my mom to appreciate this. My Mom died on March 19th, one month before the day her Granny died years ago. We decided to wait until that day to spread the ashes. We went to Hobby Lobby to look for something suitable to put the spreading ashes in. I found a nice vase, that kind of looked like an urn with a lid. Autumn asks, "what will we do with it afterwards?" I ask, "what would Mother do?" "Return it" we both say in unison. Again, you would have to know my Mom to appreciate. We decided on a small box with cherubs.

We drive down, meet my Grandmother, her sister and 2 of my aunts. She lives near Lake Charles were Great Granny is buried. We get to the grave, and when we open the box where her ashes were was a letter. Ashley had written it. There were also two dollar bills. My mom always wanted to win the lottery and Ashley, in every note she wrote her was praying for her to win. I'm not sure if the two dollars were for scratch off tickets or just Ashley's share of her own little lottery, she was all of 12 at the time. I can't remember what the letter said, but it was buried with her.

After our little ceremony, Larry my sister and I decided to stop by the casinos on our way home. My grandmother asked "do you think that is appropriate?" I reply, "If Mother were this close to the casinos do you think she would have driven by?" "You're right, go" my grandmother states.

Now, me and gambling, let's just say if Larry isn't there to stop me, I give it all back. I'm playing 21, I double split, then double down on both sets, I'm terrified, the dealer knows, he waits to turn my cards over until last. I win, both hands. Yep, Mother was there with us.

A while later, I am vacuuming. Ashley is in the living room. She points to the urn and says "Is this Grandma Renee?" Instinct makes me reply "No, why?" Ashley says "Because it says Renee M on it" I almost died. She knew and I couldn't tell her. Mother stayed with us for a while until Autumn moved out. Autumn called me one day and said, "Notice anything missing?" She had taken her to live at her new apartment.

Now that my sister is back here with us, so is part of my Mom. Right after she died, we would joke, "I wonder which parts we have?" Then when the obvious anger at her suicide, we would joke about putting her in the corner. So, there she sits on my mantle, looking down, (or up?!) at us all together again.

Now, I have always wanted to be cremated, always. I'm not big on bathroom stalls or small spaces, I'm not claustrophobic, but some small spaces freak me out, no way I am going to be in a casket. I've planned most of my funeral, music, flowers and NOT on a rainy day. I've told Larry I would haunt him if he has my service on a rainy day.

I have also told him I want to hire that company that puts some of your ashes in a vial and launches them into space. My reason is so no matter what happens afterwards, everyone can say "She's up there" while pointing. *chuckles*

If I read this post on someone else's blog, I would hope to be able to see the humor in which I am intending it. Life is short, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

surreal

thegrad
Originally uploaded by kahl4.

.

OK, because of my margaritas I just deleted this post, so I will try to start again.

I finally found out what the word surreal means. We got up at 7:30 and started the dusting and cleaning before people started to arrive. My sighter pitched in a big way by tackling the kitchen. Larry & I were off to Sams and to get the food, come home, shower and get ready. It seemed every five minutes I was catching my breath.

I couldn't believe this day was finally here, she was graduating, with her class, walking across the stage. I couldn't believe we all made it, we were all here, together as a family.

My Dad and stepmom arrived first, it was sooooo good to see them. They haven't been to my house since Thanksgiving 2003. We showed off the painted rooms and talked. My sis was here, then my best friend and daughter, Larrys dad and wife came, then his sister and niece.

We all ate on babrbeque and talked about the journey that was about to come to an end. My dad laughed at my "drama free" comment, we all did. I was on the verge of tears all day. Tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of sadness, tears of fear.

She left early, we finished up then headed down to one of my favorite places in the whole world, Reliant Stadium (home of the Teaxans). We got there in time, just right before they all started walking in. The graduating class of '05. As soon as they started walking in, the tears came. I couldn't stop. When you work this hard for something, it so much sweeter. Our last name starts with a U, so she was one of the very last to come strolling in. We saw her, we cheered, loudly, she looked up, saw us and waived.

I could see her, looking around, talking to her friends, she looked just like she did in when she graduated from kindergarten. I had every single emotion in about 5 minutes. I was elated we were here, I was happy my Dad saw his first grandchild graduate, I was sad my Mom did not. My tears finally stopped when they started calling the names. When they got to 'T', Larry went down to get a better shot from the camera. When they called her name, I saw her life flash before my eyes. Born 18 years ago, a shy sweet girl who came into her own, her own way. Who kicked and screamed, cried and laughed, who struggled so long, her road was rising up to meet her today. Mrs Galeas (her assistant Principal) was the last one in the row of the shaking hands. Ashley literally ran and almost jumped into her arms, more tears. Mrs. Galeas has fought for this child as much as we have. Ashley appreciates her, loves her. It was bittersweet, I can not put it into words.

My stepmom asks me, where is she going? I say, she packed her toothbrush so there's no telling. It is her time, to go, to love, to laugh. She has worked hard, she deserves it.

Larry comes back from the picture taking and there are tears in his eyes, I imagine the same tears I had. We are parents of a graduate. Had you asked me 3 months ago, I wouldn't have imagined it. But, I have the diploma, signed sealed and delivered. It's real and I am so ....... I only wish I could find the word to describe how I have felt today .....

As I hugged my grown up daughter goodbye, I had no fear about where she was going. I kissed her and said have fun, I am proud of you, and watched her walk away .......

the phone call

.

It's 10:00 pm central time. I look through my email for the number. It's late, but I have to call. It rings, a few times, I should hang up. The answering machine comes on. "Hi, it's Kimmy" a voice answers, "Hello?" (he has no idea who is on the phone) "Is 'J' there?" "Who's calling?" "Kimmy" Who? Kimmy I reply. Hold on. They answer, Hello dahlin, this is the first time I actually hear the caring, sweet voice I have been reading. Just like I had imagined it.

He is the first cyber person that hears the news. She passed. I'm smiling, radiating, happy to share the news with someone who feels closer to me than my real friends, every little wicked bone in his body.

Smiles were shared, laughs were heard and plans were made. Can't wait for some more vacation, I will see the Arch.

she has this...? Light I reply

hannah
Originally uploaded by kahl4.

.

As I mentioned below, we have been very slow at work. This provides time for coaching employees and lots of idle chit chat. We were looking at each others pictures in our phones and I was showing Jeff these two of Hannah. Jeff says, "she is so pretty, from the inside, when she smiles she just has this ...." "Light" I state mid sentence, "YES!" he replies.

Larry's Mom always called Hannah her sunshine. Everytime she comes into a room it is light, love and laughter. I say, "Ashley is really pretty when she smiles too!" He agrees. He recalls how happy they both seemed at the baseball game last weekend. Yes, we all had a good time. But Hannah, there is something about her. She's not an angel, but she radiates happiness.

She has been a light at the end of our tunnel in more ways than one. It took us two years to get her (hence the hysterectomy years later) I am so lucky I got to meet these wonderful creatures.

the 27 pound 7 month old baby

.

Today was the first day I worked with Jeff since we got the good news. He asked me if it has sunk in yet, yes & no I answered. Since that enormous monkey has been lifted off my back it seems I am smiling all the time, I bantered with him, "see this?" (pointing to my smile "Haven't you missed it?" We both laughed. I asked if there was anyway he could leave early on Saturday, he has had almost as much to do with her making it as we have. He'll try, but with one manager at graduation, it will be hard for another to leave.

It has been dreadfully slow at work. I'm starting to panic, I need six activations to make quota. In two days, ugh. I can't wait until I am full fledged assistant so quota wont matter so much. I've been offered, twice, just wasn't the right store at the right time.

Since it was slow, the team has found ways to amuse themselves. Someone dropped off some hair cut coupons and John (the twelve year old 24 year old) decided to cut the faces off and take pictures of everyone with their faces inside (see flickr) I was walking back into the store while this happened. I work with a bunch of clowns!!!

Then, as we were gathered at the front door, a lady who I had helped before was waiting on her phone. She had her chubby little baby with her, throwing him up in the air and he was laughing that deep baby laugh. I look at Jeff and say "that is the best sound in the whole world" It is. I had to have a hysterectomy at 26, cervical cancer. I'm so glad I had my girls by then, but around 30 I got the baby ache. If there's a baby to be held, I'm holding it. She comes up to say hello, I take him in my arms, he goes straight for the name tag and takes it straight to the mouth. He's seven months old and twenty seven pounds of joy. He weighed 8.4 and was two weeks early! She said the dad signed away his rights and has never even seen him. I'm crushed. Why would anyone leave such precious things?

Then a wonderful man comes into the store, he is upgrading his phone. He reminds me of someone, the way he speaks. Then he tells me his AC went out, and I have to stop and look at him. It's really bad when you think the people around you are from the blogs you read (yes I am talking to you St. Tropez LOL) I start to count down my drawer, he asks if I am leaving, yes, going to buy my daughter an outfit for graduation. Every time I say it, graduation, it is with a big smile instead of a big sigh.

Rush, rush, rush home. Go to the mall, take Graduation pictures, buy the outfit, stop for dinner and she's off again. I tell her, tomorrow night home. My dad is coming in, we will have lunch here then off to the ceremony.

We are not planning a big party, saving that for the going away. We still haven't gotten the early deployment papers, and not to piss on anybodies parade, but that is still a condition, always has been. Ashley always seems to think we "forget" LOL

I work tomorrow, then will come home and begin the mad rush of cleaning the dust bunnies. I wish I had a maid .....

here comes the sun ....

.

I still can't get over it. This feeling of bliss, so removed from me. When I walked in to work yesterday, everyboday smiled, they knew it was over too. Clint (who I adore) says "Good job Mom" I smiled the whole day, even through the customer who wanted a 400.00 credit because he went over on text messaging LOL

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say, it's alright ....

colorblind

.

No more seeing red, no more seeing black, only pink ..... Still so very happy. I told her last night, I will buy your psp today, no she wants her ipod first, done. A deals a deal. Three things she wanted, a psp (portable playstation) an ipod and a laptop. The psp & laptop (which will be this one when she graduates bootcamp and we will buy a new one). Larry surprised me last night when he told me he had gotten a 300 prepaid visa card for her. I asked when he did it, he bought it earlier this month when we thought she could still take math models.

Last night when I was crying on the phone to my Dad, half apologizing for not calling, halfway saying thanks for sticking with me as well he told me how proud he was of Larry and I for sticking with her, doing the tuff love when needed and seeing her through the end whatever that would be. He said so many couples would have laid blame on each other and turned it inwards breaking themselves up in the process. I laughed and told him, Larry & I were always united in our thinking that it was her fault, he laughed. Don't lay blame, just enjoy the moment, they haven't come around very often lately.

I sent out a blast text message to everyone at work last night, they have been through it all with me. Alberto, my tech sent me a reply "You are so funny, a little more time and you will be drama free" I laughed. Techs in the back room have heard every phone call whether it be screaming or crying.

Senior breakfast this morning, we wont see her until tomorrow night. And it is OK. Maybe Larry will grow some of his hair back now LOL

Ashley asked if we were happy --- maybe she isn't as smart as I thought she was -- ummmm YEAH we are happy LOL Tears of joy, tears of release, tears of sorrow.

As much as she has put me through, something inside will ache when she actually leaves. She is my first baby and I have not prepared myself for her actually leaving during preparing myself for her actually failing. Not to worry about that now, just enjoy the moment .... as for swimming, it is just time to lay back and float ......

The results are in

.


AND SHE PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my freaking god, I can NOT stop smiling!!!!! She passed, with an 80!!!!!!!!! Ten points to spare ... the results came in about 8:30 -- She passed!!

I can not even put it into words -- my cheeks are hurting from smiling, I won't sleep tonight, but it will be the best night I haven't slept in THREE YEARS!

Thank you all so much, thank you thank you thank you for all your thoughts, prayers and Galilee, I love you *muwah*

good news bad news --

.

Good news is she took her algebra final in school this morning and made a 77 on it. Good. Bad news is, right before I left to pick her up, Larry called to say she just didnt show up for her art final.

I lay into her on the way to the test, very bad of me, it is a knee jerk reaction.

I literally scream out loud after I drop her off, I should have held it until after the test, but I didn't.

She calls, the test is done, won't have results until after 7pm tonight. My stomach is still in knots --- I will post as soon as I know ...... just keep swimming, just keep swimming

psst -- look to the bottom right of your screen

.

I have put some links up of the blogs I read daily. They go from cooky to serious. Now that I have you listed here, you are bound by the link to update more often LOL

growling in the grocery store and ordering your own food

.

When Ashley was little on our weekly trips to the grocery store, often times people would say hello to her. "Oh my, what a pretty dress you have on" Ashleys response? She would growl at them. (see the smile creeping across my face?) It was hilarious. I always found it funny instead of embarrasing) Ashley was painfully shy as a young one. When we were at dinner, she would not even look at the server, we finally had to start making her order her own food to get her talking.

There was a place that had the best homemade peach cobbler (other than mine of course), ash was a baby, that was the first time she said "peas (please). She wanted more peach cobbler, I said "say please" "PEAS" I'll never forget it.

One of the very first pictures of her, maybe two weeks old, she is literally flipping the bird, I need to scan it, it too was hilarious.

Madonna, she used to hate her. "Ashley, do you like Madonna?" "growl"

It wasn't always bad, she was always praying for my mom to win the lottery, always. She always wrote to my mom, always.

The test is tomorrow, 12pm -- It's time for a cool change ....

one more day ....

.

Double duty -- As I drop off Hannah at 9:30 this morning, I also pick up Ashley. The last days of school in high school are frenetic to say the least. Don't go in until 2 hours late, come home 2 hours later, finals.

Ash has her test tomorrow. Economics and Goverment "in the bag" as she says, hours made up only one thing stands in her way of the tassell, Algebra II. UGH It just looooms there hanging over all our heads. I'm not sure if I mentioned she took the TAKS practice test for algebra two and made a 78 on it. I told her you pass, I won't have to see you until Graduation, she smiles, she thinks I'm kidding, in reality, I couldn't be more honest. If the navy papers are signed for deployment in June, and a graduation hangs on the wall, I don't care where she goes or what she does until that date. She says "I'm going to hold you to that" There's nothing to hold me to, it's the gods honest truth. I have told her the only thing I ask is that she call and let us know where she will be for the night, in reality, that's one of the things we ever asked of her. Dont lie, dont steal, dont do drugs and tell us where you are. Doesnt sound too hard, does it?

So, tomorrow at Noon she will take that freaking test and thirteen years of school will come down to those last few hours .....

Dazed, hang in there baby .....

land of the lakes

Originally uploaded by kahl4.

.

We slept late, took a slow drive west to Sommerville, loaded up the boat, the kids and the cooler. It was great, we spent about 3 hours on the water, Hannah kneeboarded a few times, Ashley slept in the sun, Larry drove and I smiled ......

new blog? new word?

.

OK, the new blog I was so engrossed in (and Galilee, never fear my dear, you are still #1 in my favorites list *smooch*)

The blog I found was Waiter Rant I like his style of writing, typing, telling the story (much like I love reading St. Tropez ;)) I'm telling you, those of us in the "service" industry take a lot of crap, I mean a lot. If someone talked to us like that on the street there would be a rumble, but put a uniform and a name tag on it, it becomes OK. And that sucks. Being on the "taking" it end, it does make you a much harder consumer to actually please. Ah, it's a give and take, but what can you do? We are all in it together.

Episode Three -- freaking awesome. The CGI was amazing and YODA was incredible. He got the biggest applause ;) They did a great job tying everything in together and a few shots very similar to the corridor we first saw Vader in the original SW flick.

I have a new/old word rattling in my head thanks to waiter. UBER -- Uber couple, uber phone, ubersuperfantantastic . I fear I will be ubering all over the bog -- my apologies in advance LOL

And seriously, if you have bill problems with sprint, you can email me, I will look and see what I can do for ya :)

cell phone tips

.

OK, most of you know I have worked for Sprint for almost 3 years now (well, it will be three in November) Yes, I was a consumer with Sprint for 3 years before I started working for the system, so I do feel your pain. Here are some tips on getting what you want. Now, before I start, let's consider that I do work for the best store in Houston. That's not arrogance, it's fact. All of the other managers hate us. We do carry a little arrogance about us, we are a small store with big numbers. We like that. Our store works differently, we *will* give instant rebates to current customers, we *will* work with you if your phone is out of warranty. We *will* work with you if you dropped your phone in the toilet and have no insurance. Our store is special, we actually *try* to help our customers. Now, with that said, here are some pitfalls of other stores and providers .....

Now, if you have a service problem, please, for godsakes, clean your phone before you go in to the store. Nothing grosses us out more and makes us more willing *not* to help when we are handed a phone with sweat all over it from your ear.

If you actually dropped your phone in something, tell them *BEFORE* you hand it to them. Want to see a rep drop a phone? Tell them after they've had their hands on it was dropped in the toilet.

Don't lie about water damage. There it a litmus paper inside the phone and when it is exposed to water, it turns various shades of pink and purple. Lying only makes the rep think you are stupid because clearly it has been dropped in something, hopefully not a toilet.

Never, ever say or scream "you people" blah, blah, blah. Remember, we just work for the company. If the poor saps behind the counter were actually responsible for fucking up your bill or control the network do you really think we would be behind the counter? No, we would be behind the curtain with Oz controlling the cell phone universe.

On that same note, don't ever diss the provider. No matter how much someone may actually hate their job, they will defend it just to piss you off if you start dissing it.

Don't bitch and demand a new phone when your warranty is over and your six button stops working. Do you think Chevy would give me a corvette for my tahoe because my windshield wiper stopped working? No, get real. I would have to actually pay for a corvette.

Now, those are just a start, let's get to the fun stuff LOL BUY INSURANCE! It's like five bucks a month and will save you a minimum of 149 bucks when you drop it in some liquid, lose it, drop it or whatever the case may be. Insurance can sometimes only be added at the time of activation, call your carrier tomorrow and ask if you have insurance, if you don't and something happens to your phone, you're screwed.

Most companies have an upgrade program, it is a mail in rebate. If you are nice and try to work with your rep, you may get it instantly. Don't threaten to cancel your contract. It will end up costing you more than the final net price of the phone in termination fees from your current carrier, activation fees from your new carrier and oh by the way, proration fees When you threaten to cancel, do you think the person helping you cares? No, their job is not based on how many customers they keep, it is by how many they bring in.

Now, along the rebate lines, yes a contract is required, the longer the agreement, the more money you get back. The company is not going to mail you back 150 plus and let you not renew that agreement that expired in 2001. It will however give you a little bit of leverage. If you are in contract don't go in and say you are going to leave. They will laugh and print out that contract for you with your signature on it. If you have no contract, well then, welcome to the games, lets play. Be nice, tell them you want to stay, what kind of deal can we work out? The nicer you are to them, the nicer they will be to you.

Remember what these people have to deal with on a daily basis -- The first store I worked at was in a very bad part of town they actually call "gunspoint" I had the worst of the worst people come in. Larry hated me working there but it was a job and I knew I would get out. One day a very cracked out lady was arguing about her bill. After she left, we noticed she had left her crack pipe on the counter. While she was digging through her purse, she must have taken it out and left it there. Swear --

So, good luck with your providers and if you need any help, just email me, I will do the best I can :)

two bags and a take home box of garlic chicken fried rice

.

It has been crazy, I mean crazy. Stuff with Stephanies parents and the whole smoking, purse cutting fiasco, one of the most craziest customers, working everyday 10:30 to 7:30 (yeah, it's still 8 hours but it is the worst possible shift)

Last night, Hannah who is done with all of her exams ask if she can stay home today, yep, it will be nice to have a day just me and the banana. We sleep late (me 8:30, her 9:30). I am totally engrossed in a new blog (I will write about his later). Time to get dressed and go to lunch. One of our favorite places, HB Steakhouse. Japanese food cooked hibachi in front of you. We have been going there for years and Hannah loves it. We have a very nice lunch, her the special (filet, mushrooms, shrimp appetizer and vegetables) me, fried rice, onion soup and shrimp tempura.

There is a couple at our table, we share some quick conversation with them. I notice they have sprint phones, it's a habit of the job, noticing who has what phones (remind me to post about phones later, basically how to get what you want from your carrier)

After lunch we stop by the mall to pick up some new makeup, we are all 3 out, and that sucks because it is very expensive when you have to replace 3 girls pressed powder and blush. The lady helping us was new, the blush I adore is being discontinued, she is taking forever. Finally we get out, Mom, don't forget to stop by walgreens! Oh yeah, a spray bottle for the lemon juice. I don't color my hair, but will indulge in a little lemon juice during the summer.

We come home and grab bathing suits, lemon juice and tanning oil fill the air, the gentle sounds of the waterfall and the "Mix" radio station and I am bliss. Hannah hand I lay around the pool for a couple of hours. Hannah randomly spouts off "hannahisms". She is jealous I have taught Bella (our oldest weenie dog) not to lick my face. It cracks her up, I snuggle close to Bella and she keeps her tongue in her mouth, she goes over to banana and gives her a big wet one on the lips.

Hannah is gorgeous, I mean drop dead very pretty girl. As I watch her laying in the float I am amazed we have all come this far. I remember when she was just over three. My sister was over for dinner and we had made some cake. At the time (moms will relate) me was I. "Me want this" "Me want that" My sister taking child development classes with no kids of her own at that time thought she would be able to teach Hannah to change the me to I. OK, we finish dinner and out comes the cake. Hannah in her highchair tells Autumn, "Me want some cake" Autumn replies, "I want some cake" Hannah retorts, "NO! ME wants some cake" Autumn tries again, "Hannah, say I want some cake" This goes on a few more times, finally, Hannah frustrated looks at Autumn and declares "YOU already had some cake!!!!!!!" We laughed so hard, that was the first of many many more to come.

One Valentines Day we are all dining at a very nice steakhouse. Hannah and Ashley begin to have a conversation, the topic escapes me, but this I do remember, Ashley tells Hannah she is not mature enough to do something, Hannah looks at Ashley and flatly states, "I can be mature!", then proceeds to stick her tongue out at her. We rolled.

I sit with a towel around my head, skin soft from the oil, fingers wrinkle from the water, being happy. I love this feeling. I love this part of being a mom, the part where you reflect with love.

Ashley has been given the day off as well. She is going to the movies then out tonight. She needed a break from us as much as we needed one from her. Her algebra test is Monday, set your clocks again.

We are going to see episode three tonight, then it's back to the schmucks at work tomorrow.

guilty

.

I have a very nasty, bad .... habit? Problem? Here's the thing, when things start getting really, really bad, I isolate. Not from everyday things, not from work, not from my immediate family but from my friends and my dad.

The things is, a phone call is made, to me, and not returned, by me. Another message, another missed call. A day, a week. Now it's this "thing" It's there.

My very best friend, Corey has called and called and called. I have not called her back. When Ashley moved back in she sucked all of the air out. It was a very dark airless place. I wanted to call her back, I just never did. I haven't talked to my dad in about 3 months. Same thing. Same way.

She called yesterday, leaves a message. Today, her husband calls Larry. She's done. That's what they do, when I don't answer, they call Larry. Just one more thing he does for me.

UGH, why do I do this?

Some other things I am guilty of (I bet when you read guilty you thought Ashley had done something, right?) I am guilty of driving to two different stores at 10:00 pm looking for tylenol pm because I had let myself get down to only half a pill.

I am guilty of LOVING Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, and Avril and Kelly Clarkson. I love singing along to 'Pieces of Me' and 'With You'

I will really need to call Corey and admit that I am infact, guilty. Whether she accepts it will be another story I am sure.

things I expect.

.

A few things I expect.

At the store --
If you are in the 12 and under lane, you better have 12 or under.

If you are writing a check, have it made out by the time the total is pushed.

Don't argue over coupons, price matches or expired specials.

Break the bill, don't dig for change.

On the road --
Speed limit, I expect you do go at least 5 miles over the it, not under.

Use your indicator if you are going to turn. Lack of using it only indicates you are an asshole.

Turn it OFF when you change lanes.

Turn the corner promptly, the asphalt has already been laid, you don't need to smooth it over.

Make sure your brake lights work.

In the bathroom--
If you finish off the roll, put a new one on.

Put the seat DOWN.

Put the cap on the toothpaste after you use it.

Dont leave a wet down folded anywhere -- it doesnt dry that way.

For god sakes, make sure there isn't any kind of hair on the soap.

Don't flush while someone else is in the shower.

Just a few of the things I expect LOL

visual amusements

.

I've seen some pretty funny bumper stickers and church signs --

Bumper stickers -

"Don't breed 'em if you can't feed 'em". I'm not sure if they were talking about animals or kids? The same car had "My karma ran over your dogma"

Then there's this one -- F.A.R.T. -- Fathers against radical teenagers

Church Signs -

Want to see God laugh? Make your own plans.

People are funny, they believe Elvis is alive and Christ is dead.

Sign broken, message inside.

what's a schedule?

.

Yesterday was great. We spent some time in the pool, the girls working on their tans, I in the pool, Larry in the yard. It was very nice. When my sister and neice got home, she joined in the pool fun as well. Hannah and Dejah were being cousins - arguing in the pool and I tell Larry, I'd rather hear that than nothing at all.

We all got in the shower and ready for the ball game. A couple of the "boys" from work came over and played pool before the game. Clint brought his 17 year old brother over with him. Ashley was playing him in a game of pool and as he was about to shoot the 8 ball, he stops. He looks over at her and says "How about we sweeten the pot?" Larry & I were right there, and I can see it coming. I'm thinking, he won't possibly say something bad when we are *right here*. Yeah, he does. He says, if I make this shot, you have to give me a kiss. Im dying, it is toooooo funny. Ash says how about if you don't make it, I punch you.

He makes the shot then proceeds to try and collect his rewad, to no avail. It was really funny. He is 17 and we all know what 17 year old boys are like. This was enough for us to go on for the rest of the night.

All but 3 of our employees and their familes were at the game, and a great time was had by all. Cory (the little brother) followed the girls around the stadium and everyone knew what had happened (did I mention we have a very tight knit dysfunctional little family at work? LOL) The Astros won, 9 to nothing, the roof was open and it was a gorgeous night.

We had seven in the tahoe, me, Larry, the girls, Clint & John (the boys) and his little bro. A drive home at 10:30 after several beers by the boys was quite funny. I adore these boys I work with and they protect me like brothers would.

It was the first time all four of us (me, Larry & the girls) all went out and had a good time in a LONG time. After we got home, and everyone left Larry & I settled in to watch Survivor tivo. I couldn't get over Tom winning. Someone tell him the Godfather bravado is way over. I get to bed just after 1am thinking I am going to be toast in the morning. I was to work 9:30 to 6:30, or so I thought.

Right as I am putting my shoes on I get a text message, it is from Mandy, the assistant manager, it reads "Kim, you work at 12, John is 10:30 - 7:30" CRAP! I could have slept in, argh. I send John a text, want to switch? He agrees.

So, here I am completely dressed and ready for work with an hour and a half to spare. Guess I will go ahead and watch the desperate housewives tivo.

***Side note, I am letting Ash out of the house this afternoon, it is her "anniversary" with Chanell. It will be a one time thing with her having to be home at 7, and check in during the day. We'll see how it goes.

how do you?

.

On the way to work this morning I was jamming out to my RENT CD. Have I mentioned how much I love this play? Everything it says and shows? During "Rent", my absolute favorite part of the song is this --

How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
Till you're torn apart - Rent!

How can you connect in an age
Where strangers, landlords, lovers your own blood cells betray
What binds the fabric together when the raging, shifting winds of change
keep ripping away

I love it, how do we do that?

It was a pretty good day today, enjoyed several banter lines with Jeff. We love to push each others buttons. It was *very* slow but I managed to get 4 activations and 3 long distance points. Tomorrow I arranged for a team builder. Most of the store and our families are going to the Astros game. I don't really follow baseball fan, (wait until August & football season starts, I'm a fanatic) but it's about going, being together and having a good time with each other while *not* at work. We try to do these kind of things at least 3 times a year. This will be our first this year.

Hope they win, I hear they are losing quite a bit LOL.

friday the what?

.

I try not to buy in to the superstitions too much.

However -- On my way to work this morning, I am pulling out of the neighborhood and I see a cop turning around. Not for me, then I see flashing lights, a big cement truck and a white car behind it. Seems either the truck stopped short or the little white car went too fast. No cement anywhere, but LOTS of scuffs on the little white cars hood. I wanted to stop and take a picture but was late and didn't want to seem rude LOL

Today was Jeffs first day back since Saturday. Managers meeting in Dallas for three days. We had the "talk". Go part time, go FMLA or just quit. I seemed to have gotten the feeling he wanted me to just quit, which I will probably do.

Larry says quit, then makes me feel guilty about it. Part time seems like a great option, we will talk more about it on Tuesday.

Then there's this. *imagine me actually shaking my head*

Ashleys assistant principal called me again today. It seems she was brought back into school by the officer who patrols. She was out there looking for Chanell during lunch. I didn't ever get the full story from her. I tried to take phone calls from her between customers. Her wanting to go to a party tonight, where there will be drinking (did I mention she got hepatitis a over the summer, in the hospital for 4 days hooked up to an IV and her eyes yellow/lime green for a month, she was so sick she couldn't even make a trip to the grocery store?) It really does kill me that her last days as a senior will be spent at home, a small price to pay for actual graduation.

She's crying, she wants to go. We have given in, even since she has been home, we are sticking firm. When she finally called after leaving the house for a month, we told her, pretty much lockdown, she said she would do whatever it took, until an invite comes around. Even since she has been home she has been out, then something happens and we feel like fools.

I got to work at 10:30 this morning, was supposed to leave at 7:30, didn't leave till 8:30, got home at nine.

I go into her room, she is already in bed, she has a headache. I try once more to let her know we are not the enemy. One day she will have to realize that we are only trying to help her.

I tell her, if you came and cried on my shoulder, Ashley, I would hug you and comfort you. But when all you show is hatred, it is hard. "I know"

This is a very light version of the actual events, all in all there was an hour and a half on the phone just with ash, 30 minutes on with Mrs. Galeas and about 45 with Larry. Then, 45 minutes in Jeffs office. Three and a half hours of my day dealing with, talking to or about Ashley. This is light, it is usually more.

Its amazing I actually got some activations. I have a quota of 40. Until today I had seven. I will need 6 tomorrow to be on track for what may be my last month at Sprint.

the last time

.

anonymous --

this is the last time I will discuss this directly with you, as I don't think (for me anyways) a blog is to directly respond to you. It is for me, if you read in my bio, it states, this is a place for me to vent/cope with what is going on with me, it is not about you.

Now, if you do read "religiously" then you would have to remember the "good day" or the "what was let go" or any of the other "good" post about Ashley.

I did not say "freshman year we loved her" I said we were "in love" with her, there is a difference. It was a metaphor. Truth be told and I have said this repeatedly, we have done counseling, with 2 different privates, through the school and through church (before she stopped believing in God) and we have tried meds, many of them. We have let her have full reign, bought her a car, didn't ask for payments, let her go and do whatever she wanted. We tried total lock down, we tried a happy medium.

This didn't just start, it has been going on for over three years. Rehab, stealing, failing, lying, smoking, sneaking out, cheating on test, threatening a teacher, punching holes in walls. One, just one of these things I could handle, but each one, done over and over (while in therapy, while on meds, while having a car) Each one done right after the other would be more than most could handle. Yet she is still here, we still fight for her, we still love her.

She is an adult, she can chose to do the right thing or the wrong thing. Most of the time, she has chose the latter. I can't follow her to school, sit and hold her hand and make her go to class. She has skipped 18 hours of algebra by her own admission becasue she doesn't want to go, she "will not do homework, I never have, I never will", 31 hours total the second semester.

I am not here to defend myself, if you don't like it, don't read it. I never even expected anyone to pay attention to this. The problem is, here I am, warts and all, putting it out there, This is me, my whole life sucks right now, and there is you, posting as anonymous.

'nuff said.

a bright idea

.

So, I found a bronze torche lamp for his office. He bought some old Enron furniture a while back and it will look good with it. My idea tank has been running a little low, my stress tank is overflowing into it. :)

Ashley update --
Yesterday she said she stayed after with her economics teacher, I am awaiting confirmation. When I told her she only had to make up 18 hours, not 31 (if she's not getting credit for Algebra, she doesn't have to be there) she stated she still wanted to go to Saturday dhall, ..... For six hours .... Yeah. My guess is someone (wonder who??) is going to dhall as well, or she is planning on doing something else, or just wants to be out of the house.

Too bad, she is staying home and studying the algebra program we bought from best buy.

On a slightly good note -- Hannah said that she was being really nice to her yesterday.

She didn't say anything to Larry or I.

I'm at work hogging someone's internet -- over and out.

bronze

.

Let's put aside mi vida loca for a minute. Larry's and I anniversary is tomorrow. Traditional gift for the 19th is bronze. Any ideas?

the perfect child?

.

Anonymous --

No, Hannah is not the perfect child, by any means. Was anything said to Hannah? Ummm, yeah. Her time with Stephanie is limited to school at this point. Her cell phone is gone and she is grounded for an undetermined amount of time. Ashley told on Hannah out of spite. Because Hannah had told on Ashley about being dropped off by Chanell (she had seen them on the moped on her way to get the smokes)

Smoking was not the only thing that we found out about Hannah that night. The family meeting was divided between Hannah and Ashley equally. The difference between the two is Hannah is crying, desperate and apologetic. Ashley sits being smug and sadistic.

In one of my earlier post I mentioned how much time and energy has been spent on Ashley that Hannah has often times been neglected. Yes, Ashley probably is jealous of Hannah. The difference is, Hannah actually seems to learn (at this time, that may change as she gets older like it did with Ashley) from her mistakes and appreciates the guidance and punishment that comes with them. She doesn't look at it like we are trying to sabotage her or try to "keep her down" as Ashley told us.

Ashley said it was more Stephanie smoking than Hannah. It was Stephanie who stole the purse from the mall, and it was Stephanie who cuts on her knee as well. No, the family meeting was not all about Ashley. Hannah, after getting in trouble still comes, gives us a hug and through her crying eyes says "Im so sorry Mom" Not for us, for her.

Yes, Ashley seems to think Hannah is the perfect child, which, she is not. Hannah has not seemed to delve as far as Ashley has yet, and she won't. We are a much more informed consumer if you will. We have learned from Ashley. Mistakes will not be repeated.

I am fully aware that we were still in love with Ashley freshman year and it may all change with Hannah next year. All I can do is learn, be wise and protect. If anything we are actually harder on Hannah because of what we have been through will Ashley.

I appreciate your objective comment, and I completely agree that Ashley is crying out for help, she just doesn't want it from us.

why you ask?

.

I have no answers. Why does she act this way? Why does she do these things? I have no answers.

I can not tell you why she hates it here, I can not tell you why she is throwing her life away. As a matter of fact, thats what I came here for, in hopes someone could actually tell ME.

Doctors, meds, teachers, friends, nothing has made a difference. We had what seemed like a normal, happy family until the end of freshman year. Now, if you're doing your math, you can calculate it has been 3 years of hell, plus some.

If you look a flick fotos, almost all of them with the girls are on some sort of vacation, the last one taken this Feburary to New York. Only 3 weeks after she moved back in, for the second time.

Someone doesn't spend 2000 on a trip for her daughters to New York for fun because they hate them. You would think someone would actually do that because she loves them. But no, not good enough, never has been, never will be.

So many of you have emailed me directly. I truly appreciate that. Even some teenagers have reached out. Those that have I am sure would love to have a mom who actually cares.

Yes, I know, someday this will all be a bad dream. But the nightmare that is *now* is choking me. When this is all over, I am not sure she will have anything to come home too.

So no, I can not tell you why, all I can do is hope she passes.

Oh, and by the way, if any of you readers are proficient in algebra, would you like an all expenses paid trip to Houston to tutor her?

I wish I were joking ......

so, this is what hell is like?

.

Hell, yes, that is exactly where I am. Yesterday, she strolls in around 4. With a Mothers Day card. Now, lets not start congradulating each other just yet. The mothers day card was an excuse. An excuse for not coming home like she is supposed too. Whether it is wrong or right, that is what it seemed like. Sadly, I will always remember it that way as well.

So, after she strolls in, nonchalant, like nothing is wrong, she proceeds to go online. Calls me upstairs to read an IM chat box. It seems that Hannah and Stephanie have been smoking, and getting them from Ashleys friends no less.

Now, Ashley is not looking out for Hannah, just trying to get her in trouble. I ask Ashley, don't you even care about Hannah? "Hannah and I are not that close anymore" was the direct quote I get. I swear as almighty god as my witness I simply will not go through four more years of hell and let Hannah fall to the same things Ashley has *chosen* to do.

Want to see someone fall apart? That is exactly what I did. I went into the bathroom, drew a bath and cried till my eyes were swollen. How did my life get so out of control? When was the exact moment I lost my connection with Ashley? Why in the world would Hannah *EVER* consider this?

Larry gets home, I am in the garage waiting for him, I can't bear to even go into my own house. We go in, united front. First thing he does is yank the internet from upstairs. Its gone and it aint comin back.

Ashley sits at the top of the stairs spewing little daggers every now and then. When I tell her I can't wait for her to get into the navy acting like she does, her reply? And imagine the most sickening sadistic tone you can think of -- "Oh, I wont act like *this* in the navy" No, Im just going to stick it to you as long as I can possibly get away with it, because you seem to like it Mom.

I am furious, get out, and get out now. Get the hell out of my house, go away, live your live and leave everything that is so bad here. No, she wont go. She doesn't have anywhere else to go.

So, she gets to school, wearing Chanells jeans (that um, so don't fit her) Gets stopped in the hall and sent to Mrs Galeas. Yep, you screwed up again. Now, either change or go to detention all day. She sends her to detention, but instead of going, she gets Chanell to take her home, leaving school, changing her jeans and going about her day. Now, if you think I have given this girl chances, you should see what Mrs Galeas has done. She has all but kept her from getting kicked out into ALC (alternative learning campus) Now she has burned her. She's done as well.

I leave work to pick her up, take her back to work so Larry can pick her up. Yes, we have to babysit our 18 year old. It doesn't stop, more snide smiles, more fuck yous muttered under her breath, tells Hannah she wants to choke her.

Larry & I are SO done with her its not even funny. I tell her, go find a place to live and if you *ever* threaten Hannah, your dad or I your ass will be in jail so fast it will make your head spin.

Now, I have not even scratched the surface on what was actually said or for that matter *how* it was said. She sits smirking at us, then picks up the phone calls and cries to Chanell. Let her take care of you for a while. Since she is the only one who truly cares for you, she's the only one that ever does anything for you blah blah blah, it makes me sick. This is *exactly* the kind of control Chanell thrives on. She likes it when we fight because it makes Ashley more dependent on her.

So, there Ashley sits with THIRTY ONE hours to make up and pass a full years credit by exam for algebra two in two weeks.

And, here I sit in hell, my tempature boiling with not an ice cube insight.

no 6th, no bus, no call

.

I had left a message for her assistant principal to tell ash I would still pick her up this afternoon as I had to get Hannahs phone as well.

I get to the office. Nope, she didn't come to 6th period. hhmmm. OK. I get Hannahs phone and come home. Maybe she took the bus? Hannah comes in, nope, Ashley didn't ride the bus.

It's 4:00. No phone call. Don't know where she is, I have a good guess though. With Chanell. I call, no answer. I leave a message. No call back.

I know what she will say, "I just need some time to figure out what I am going to do" blah, blah, blah. Here I was trying to find a tutor for her, stupid me. I know nothing. I can't possibly try to help her through this.

Who knows where she is, when she will try to return or if she will give up all together. She told us during her last outing that if she didn't graduate she will kill herself. You don't say things like that to someone who has been through that. I tell her, you do what you want, they are your choices, if that is truly what you are going to do, no one can stop you.

Who's life is this? I am tired of living it myself ...... I can't take anymore excuses, or it's not my faults or comic rationals.

feeling conflicted (warning, screaming of the F word below)

.

When I called Larry in tears telling him about the test I told him "I don't know why I'm crying, it's her fault." Larry says, find a tutor, I don't care how much it cost. It's worth it to get her graduated and into the navy.

He's right, it doesn't matter, but it does, to me. I don't know whether I should tell her, look, you have fucked up your life by blowing off algebra. You have gone to school for 13 years years and wasted it all over 3 weeks of algebra. Yes, summer school getting sick, wasn't your fault, but failing it junior year was. Had you not failed jr year, you would have been able to take economics and government in summer school for ORIGINAL credit and not be in the bind you are now.

Once her recruiter finds out she hasn't passed and will not be graduating in May, it is likely he will drop her from the DEP (delayed entry program). Then, as bad as this sounds, we are stuck with her.

Then I feel like telling her we will do whatever it takes to get her passed. But, haven't we been doing that all along? What has *SHE* been doing? Nothing except thinking and dreaming of Chanell. When will she snap? When will she realize that life is more than tunnel vision end of your nose one girl?

We have battled with her for almost 3 years now. We have lost the battle and the war. There are no moral victories, no small wins, nothing. The graduation announcements still in the kitchen, inching ever closer to the trash. More wasted time and energy.

And yes, some (a lot) of my anger is directed at the school right now. Why did they waste a month? Why didn't they tell us a month ago she could not take the test again? We have 20 days until graduation. The last chance test is on the 26th. They tell us today, the day of the exam, oh, by the way, you can't take it.

I want so badly to fight for her, but how can you fight for someone who doesn't fight for themselves? Conflicted isn't even the word, I'm beyond conflicted. I am picking her up in an hour. I won't know what I will do until I see her. Her assistant principal says she was crying, devastated. What will she do? Is this the rock bottom for her? Will she put forth *any* fucking effort now?

Nope, probably not. It's just one more time the world has failed Ashley. It couldn't possibly the other way around now could it?

Hannah's Letter

The letter Hannah wrote me on Mothers Day
Originally uploaded by kahl4.

.

This is the letter Hannah gave to me yesterday. All the spelling and punctuation come directly as written.

Hey Mom! Happy Mothers day!! I hope you have the best day ever!! Your the coolest mom and you definitly deserve a day to have to do whatever you want they should have created Mothers day just for you because they know how good of a mom you are! Thanks for always being there when there was drama going on (which was alot of the time) I am very lucky to have a mom like you that cares and grounds me when I do things wrong. Which will help me to be a better person I know I might not like it at the time but later on when I hear other people storys and I look at them Im glad I have parents that care. I hope I am a GREAT WONDERFUL FANTASTIC mom like you, I hope you have the

(back page)

best greatest Mothers day you have ever had because you deserve it.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

I LOVE YOU MOM,
(a heart) Hannah W.

No test today

.

My cell phone rings. I know the number. It's Ashleys assistant principal. My stomach always sinks when that number shows up. It's Ashley.


"Hello"
"Hey, it's me, guess what?"
"What?"
"I can't take the test again today"
"Why?"

She goes on to tell me the counselor called her down to inform her. For some reason, they told us in the counselors office if she made a high B to plan on taking the test again. For some reason, we have wasted a month thinking we could take the test again today.

After I hang up the phone with her, I call the asst. back. What happened? She doesn't know. I need to talk to the counselor. Somehow, original credit can only be taken once, she has already taken it.

Now we are forced to take algebra credit by exam. She won't pass it. She has a zero in that class. She hasn't even been going when we told her go get the knowledge incase it comes to this.

I can't type anymore, I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes ......

By The Way ....

.

There are no "I'm Sorry's" needed. I had a good day and got exactly what I expected. So, tell me what you did this weekend. :)

thank you, may I have another?

.

Let's see, where did we leave off? Thursday. I pick Ashley up at school, we went to see the interpreter. Very good. On the way home we have what seems like a good talk.

Come home, the gang is all together. We all go out for mexican. With everybody's busy schedules, it is rare we actually all have dinner together. During dinner Ashley brings out her copy of 'how to grease the parents'. She proceeds to tell us she understands why we didn't want her going out after project prom, getting wasted before her test, yadda, yadda, yadda.

She asks if she can go over to Chanells house after. The rest of the gang was going to San Antonio and she didn't want her to go without her. We don't give her an answer.

On the way home from dinner, we stop at Khols and drop a quick 150 on various things, the most expensive were new shoes Ashley wanted.

Larry & I talk about the Chanell house option. He says her going over there isn't going to make any difference at this point whether she passes the test at this point.

We tell her, yes, she can go over there, she will be picked up at 6. Only condition she would need to call us and let us know where they were going and what they were doing before project prom since there were no real plans.

Friday afternoon, no call. Friday night, no call. I finally break down and call Chanells cell. No answer. Stay calm. She finally calls, tells me a mixture of stories. OK, whatever. I am so conditioned to the lies, I wouldn't know the truth if it hit me over the head. I tell her, you've lost an hour tomorrow. Now it's her turn to stay calm. I tell her, you want to earn it back, keep in touch.

I'm exhausted, laying in bed, watching the clock. 12:00 am, she calls again. We are going into project prom now. OK, I sleep. Go to work all day Saturday. She calls again during my lunch. Tells me all about the night, how much fun, she had a great time. Just wanted to call and check in. hhhmmmm. I call Larry, I'm getting off early, lets just you and I go to dinner. Something we haven't done since Ashley came back home.

We go and have a great meal, just the two of us. During the ride over, my heart swells. I simply adore this man. He is just this short of perfect.

Sunday morning, Mother's day. We had planned to take the boat out for the first time this summer, but one look outside we knew that was not going to be an option. Rain, hard rain, wind all day. Hannah comes home from spending the night with Stephanie and gives me a sheet of paper and a hug. "I wrote you a letter Mom, Happy Mothers Day!!" As I am hugging her, I see Ashley give her one of those "could you be more of a suck up eye rolls" I ignore her.

We decide to go to Mamas Cafe for brunch. They have the most incredible breakfast. Eggs with queso, the smoothest refried beans and pan fried potatoes served with warm tortillas. We have been going there since before Ashley was born. We love it.

When we get home, Larry gives me a cute card. He knows I don't do the mushy cards. I love him. Ashley had gotten a gift card from Target in her senior bag and wanted to go shop. Let's see, its raining, I'm full and its mothers day, yep, I'm staying on the couch, Larry honey, you take them.

They go and return. My sister and niece come home, my niece gives me a card. My sister and I exchange cards. We spend the rest of the early evening flipping through the TV and getting some laundry done. My sis says she is going to the store so I make a quick list for her. I wanted spaghetti, home made. I decide to use macaroni noodles instead of angel hair for some reason.

I cook, we all eat. I noticed early on that Ashley, while she did tell me happy mothers day, there wasn't a card, or a note. Not that she was being rude, she wasn't. There was just nothing but what Ashley wants. It didn't bother me early on, I assumed (and we all know what that means) it would come later. It never did.

Her suggestion for today was to go to Katy Mills and see a movie. Let's remember, Katy Mills is where the Ralph Lauren store is. No, no movie today, not any special demands.

She did not eat, she doesn't like spaghetti, instead having a hot pocket. After dinner I ask to come straighten up the kitchen, her one and only chore. She replies like a smart ass "I didn't eat but I have to clean it?" My anger rising up. Yep, you do.

I don't know why I am even so surprised. I should have known seeing she didn't do anything for her dad either. I hope she passes this test tomorrow. I need her to graduate, I need her in the navy, I need her gone.

I feel like the line from the Godfather. Every time I think I'm out, she sucks me back in.

Other than that, it was a good day.

Mrs. Kutzko and Music

.

Mrs. Kutzko. My 9th grade english teacher. I hated her, I mean I hated her. I dreaded english, and that used to be my favorite class. Everyday dragging my ass into that class. She took no intrest in me, I in her. Until one day.

I can't remember what the lesson was, but when I came to class the projector was out in front. Great, another boring lesson watching her write.

I was wrong. Today, she informed us, we were going to read lyrics. What is this artist trying to tell us? The first transparency was the lyrics to Good Night Saigon, Billy Joel, The Nylon Curtain. We read the lyrics together, discussing each line "six weeks on paris island", "we came in spastic, like tameless horses, we left in plastic, as numbered corpses" I had no idea. It was so powerful. Then, she played the song, we listened to the choppers in the beginning, the chorus raging up from somewhere I still cant find singing "and we would all go down together". Then, we read the song again. We read it having heard the pain and emotion in the actual song.

Then, she put up Allentown. "well were living here in allentown" "the graduations hang on the wall, though they never really helped us at all, never taught what was real, iron and coke, chromium steel" Again, we read about the steel and coal mines closing in Pittsburgh. Listened to the song, and read them again.

That day, after school, I went to a record store (oh how I miss *record stores*), bought that album, yes, album and began my love affair with lyrics, Billy Joel and knew that Mrs. Kutzko would be forever burned into my memory.

She is still teaching, at the same high school. I am going to write her and say Thanks. I got it, it stuck. You reached someone.

So, I love music, all kinds. Sometimes a song will hit me so hard, I connect with it and it becomes the soundtrack of my life. I will be changing the background music as the mood changes. Right now Stevie Nicks is playing "If you ever did believe" I love Stevie. Thanks again Mrs. Kutzko

Married how many years exactly?

.

Funny story really. Larry and I met when I was sixteen, I fell in love instantly, it took him a little longer. I got pregnant at 17. I was happy, it took him a little longer. He told his parents and even though they still really didn't like me at the time, they allowed me to move in with them (Larry had moved back home).

My life was falling apart at home, my mom very much into her disease, my sister taken away living with my aunt and my brother -- I cant even remember what happened to his soul at that time.

So, I pack up what little I had and moved in. Janet, my mother in law and very religious, would not let Larry & I sleep in the same bed until we were married. OK, your house, I will respect that. Even though clearly, I was pregnant, still, not in the same bed.

So, Larry takes a day off. I call the courthouse to find out how much it is for a marriage license. 25.00. Done. We go to the courthouse, get the license. Go to the judge. Its another 25.00 which we did not have. Crap, oh the joys of starting out with nothing.

We go home and decide to tell everyone we did get married. We were young, we wanted to sleep in the same bed. It seemed to be OK, and no one really noticed because all this happened the same week as his sisters actual big wedding.

Larrys parents were selling their house and moving to Chicago for a job. Once the house sold we moved in to our very own little apartment. Ashley came into our lives a month after we moved in. I still drive by that apartment and say "that's where we started".

Time went on and about 9 months into the "marriage" we hit a road block. Im done, Im taking Ashley and leaving. Larry calls his mom. Tells her we are not really married. OH MY GAWD!!!! I couldn't believe he did that. Look he tells her, we are still together, doesn't that mean something? We don't "have" to stay, yet we do.

Every year on our anniversary she would gives us a card and a little gift. It killed her. She wanted us to bring it before God. So, 10 years later, on our "tenth" anniversary, we got married. It fell on Mothers day that year. Everyone was there, I still wasn't speaking to my dad at that time so my grandfather walked me down the isle. We finally got married after 10 years, our first house and two girls. They were our witnesses.

That was nine years ago.

So, May 12th is our 19/9 year anniversary. Next year we split the difference and call it even ;) I am so glad I actually married this man who I love so very much. "we lived through a lifetime and the aftermath" I am constantly amazed at how far we have come, he is my very best friend. If we ever did split up for good, I don't think I would miss him as a husband as much as I would miss my best friend. I love him, and am looking forward to 20/30 more years.

the last day and thank you

.

Thursday is the last day Ashley can stay after to study for her credit by exam. For those of you following, you know this is her last chance to pass high school. If she doesn't pass this test (with a 90) she will be forced to take algebra 3 credit by exam, and since she has a big fat zero in that class right now, that is unlikely to happen.

I had a talk with her tonight asking what her plan was if she doesn't pass this test on Monday. She said she didn't really have one. blah, blah, blah "mom talking" blah, blah, blah.

When she came to tell us goodnight, I told her, "you understand I am not bitching at you" ..... "Yes, I know, you just want to make sure I am doing everything I can" ... hhmmm, some of the blah blahs got through.

After she gets out tomorrow, we are going to the movies. Just me and her. My idea. She is obliging me. LOL I want to have some fun time before she goes to project prom. And after this last push for the test.

On that note, I am trying to form the biggest prayer (good thought, well wishes, whatever you want to call it) circle around her Monday, May 9th, 3 pm central time. I know the power of positive thinking works or I wouldn't have gotten this far. Mark your calendars, set your pdas, read this blog, and pray, send good thoughts, channel Math directly to Ashley!! We will all need it.

On that note, I want to send out my very heartfelt thanks to all of my "stranger friends" here. I can not express though this keyboard how warm my heart is knowing there are people I have never met (and some who I would love to meet) have supported me and Ashley here. (She has no idea about this blog and would probably blow a gasket if she did)

You people are really touching my life. Thank you. Thank you for letting me share my life with unadulterated honesty. Thank you for letting me say I am hating her right now and not pass judgment. Thank you for not letting my house be glass or for throwing stones.

I started this blog because I simply needed to vent, to say all the things unsaid. To actually write it down, put it out there. Say to whoever sees, this is me. My daughter is gay, she may not graduate, she is going into the military, our life is falling apart. Those who know me in real life know a happy, upbeat, always smiling Kimmy. People who like people like that don't like it when you are down. What's wrong? Why are you upset? Jeez Kimmy, why haven't you been performing at work? Hmmmm, maybe because life is not always good.

Life is messy, you clean it up to spill again. My rags are so dirty from cleaning up the mess of my life, thank you for handing me fresh ones.

Everybody Hurts

.

The video for evrybody hurts, I love it. I am a huge people watcher. I wonder while I am stopped at a stoplight, what are they thinking, what has just happened to them? What are they going through?

When my Mom died, I called Larry, call your mom, have her come get the girls. I knew there would be people coming, decisions to be made and I wasn't/couldn't deal/tell them yet.

On the way to tell them, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Everytime I thought about having to tell them, I broke down into tears, not just tears, sobs. We had to stop for gas, as I sat there sobbing, I wondered what people would think when they saw me. Did they know my mother had just committed suicide? Or did they think my husband had just told me he was leaving me, or just wonder, what's wrong with her?

I see people everyday and wonder, I am way too co-dependent like that. I get involved, invested. This blog can be addicting. I am so very curious as to whether Kimberly (hopefully fertile) is pregnant. I wonder if Dazed will make it to her wedding. This blog has been so good for me, getting out of my system and not having to talk about in "real life"

Ash had her DEP meeting tonight but before that, tried once again to let me let her do something after project prom. I held strong telling her, we didn't change the rules, didn't change our minds and it wasn't anything she did. We set the expectation when she moved in project prom, yes. afterparty, no.

Project prom is this Friday night, her test is Monday. I want so desperately to let her do anything she wants. I think that will make her happier, it wont, it never has, it never will. So I tell her no, stand firm without a fight. I think she went upstairs and complained about me, then, by the time we were supposed to leave for her meeting, we were fine again.

Billy Joel in the CD playing "Laura" as loud as it can go. Billy, another thing that brings us together.

two and a half plus a new low

.

I have suffered from insomnia for the better part of 13 years. I can not turn my mind off at night, so it just sits there, denying me sleep, rambling on and on and on. It got so bad about 6 months ago, even 2 tylenol pm wouldn't cut it. I would fall asleep then wake back up at 2am, not to be able to go back to sleep until about 4 or 5.

I finally went to the doctor. He said "I dont think you are depressed, but here is an anti depressant and a sleeping pill. I tried it for a month and did not go back. I do not want to take prescribed meds for a fear of what my mother did. I figure tylenol pm is safe enough. I am now up to two and a half tylenol pm in order to get to sleep, and stay asleep. It is horrible, when you can't sleep, you calculate what time you actually have to get up, what time you actually have to be asleep and that determines what time you will actually have to take the tylenol pm.

Two and a half tablets taken 3 hours before I have to go to sleep. Thats my calculation. I slept till 10 this morning, something I never, ever do.

While going about my morning ritual (a dr. pepper, a vitamin, checking to see if Larry actually remembered to take the trash out) I had a thought. A thought? Or a new low? I'm actually surfing the net to see if I can find a copy of the credit by exam test Ash has to take on Monday. No luck though. What kind of message would that send to her if I actually found a copy for her to study? Does it mean I would do anything to get her graduated? Does it mean that if you cheat for a good reason it's OK? Does it mean anything?

She is doing the same thing she did before the economics credit by exam. She is focusing on Chanell and not herself. I thought to myself, I am not paying for summer school ----- *again* This girl has a 120 IQ. She is brilliant. If she actually studied for the test, she would pass it.

So Kim. You won't pay for summer school, but you will try to find a copy of the test. RIGHT. This is why I can't sleep. These are the things that go through my mind.

I project. I can see it happening. All the time on the phone and the computer, planning project prom and her three year anniversary, the test, the last thing on her mind. Monday will come, the test will be taken and failed. One more thing she gives up for herself for chanell. Chanell really doesnt care if she doesnt graduate because its one more year for her. Thats where my problem comes in.

So, she doesnt pass, doesnt graduate, is forced to take summer school and not be able to go into the navy until September. I actually think this is what ashley wants, so she can have the whole summer with Chanell.

I am taking the phone and the computer until Monday. She will study for the test without distraction. And if I actually do find a copy, I will stoop that low.

another hannah'ism

.

Right after I finished my last post, Hannah comes out of her room, hangs over the balcony looking down on me and asks "want to hear something funny?"

"Today in fourth period I took out a piece of gum, I took the wrapper and folded it up into a ball then stuck it in my belly button" Im looking at her going "uh-huh??"

She continues, "well, I forgot about it until just now!" she's laughing. She continues, "actually, I think it might have even been yesterday" I'm amazed. Now, let's see, she stuck a rolled up gum wrapper in her belly button and forgot about it for 9 hours, possibly even a day. The girl is crazy.

She laughs and says "well, goodnight Mom"

Goodnight Hannah.

Grateful

.

During dinner, we were discussing our upcoming vacation. I told Hannah we were going to a real luau, a hummer tour through where they filmed Jurassic park and pearl harbor. My sweet little Hannah Banana says "man, I was feeling so grateful the other day". Larry & I stop, look and listen to her. She says they were in health talking about what they wanted to do before they die. She says "people were saying 'parasailing, surfing, snowboarding, going to new york' and all this stuff".

Hannah says "man, I was sitting there thinking 'oh my gawd, Ive done all of this stuff, I am *so grateful*'" I smiled at her, yes, you have gotten to do a lot of stuff. Without lecturing the "you should be grateful" we keep eating. She laughs and says "mine was going into space" I love her so much. Hannah brings so much love and light into our seemingly dark life lately.

Always smiling, always happy. God I hope that last.

My Cat

Originally uploaded by kahl4.

.


I love my cat, he is, by far the kewlest cat in the world. You can hang him upside down, and he'll just hang there. When we moved to the new house, he freaked. He calls the garage home now and has his very own pillow :)

and the band played on ...

.

Bravo HBO. I love the fact that HBO simply doesnt give shit about "hollywood". This movie is on cable this afternoon, this movie when I first saw it many years ago stopped me in my tracks. It wasn't until a 6 month old baby got aids from a blood transfusuion that the world started to notice what was going on, killing so many people.

"Sometimes I look at you with awe and wonder"

The weekend was long, pretty uneventful. We watched Meet the Fockers Saturday night, I thought it was hilarious. Then on the way home yesterday, I heard about "laughter clubs" seems a good laugh is as good for you as running for 30 minutes. (makes note to self, buy as many comedies as one can take)

Last night ashley asks if I will let her do something on the 15th. That is she and chanells anniversary. Everythings negotiable. But unlikely.

I still dont trust her, don't expect anything you wont be dissapointed. For now we are content in our neutral corners with no real fireworks. 26 days till graduation.