10 hours, a confirmation and mud wrestling

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I went back to work today after my 3 days off in a row. That is rough, especially when its a 10 hour day, especially when you are the closing manager, especially on a friday night and you only have 2 others with you. I read through the piles of email, theres one from my boss, by the way, we are having a managers meeting in the morning at 8. Great, I get to work at 8 am tomorrow and will be there until 8 pm. Im gonna die.

While at work my boss is in a rare mood. Seems he wants to push every one of my buttons today, I let him, its all in fun. At work, not only do we have an activation quota, we also have an accessory quota and a long distance quota. He decided those who had not met their goal would have to attend "ld boot camp" which means being there at 6am sunday morning. I was 3 points from my goal, and he let me know, all day. When I got the three points, I gave him the paper, told him to stick it in his pipe and smoke it, with some crack LOL. Mind you, my boss is the deacon at his church and loves nothing more than to call us all crackheads.

Jeff is the greatest boss, he cares about my career and about my family. When ash went into rehab last year, I called him and told him I need a weeks vacation starting now. No problem, I even got promoted after I got back. He cares, and I am forever grateful. Jeff does however have a knack for hiring emotionally cripled people. Everyone in our store has something, and the line starts behind me on that list LOL.

The day was not that bad, coming back after three days off I can take most of the "my phone doesnt work" customers.

I decided to email the teacher ashley said she had stayed after with. Yes, she did stay, yes, she did study. Confirmation.

As soon as Hannah got home from school she rushed over to her best friend stephanies house (she lives down the street) Stephanie is having her birthday party tonight. They went to walmart and bought one of those plastic pool, filled it with dirt and will be having mud wrestling later. hmm, maybe I will have to watch her after all.

Some of ashleys friends were/are going to the party, she wanted to go. I let it up to Larry, Im tired of being the bad guy. Larry said she could go but she had to check in every hour LOL Not quite long enough for her to run off.

She checked in at 10, I told her 11 would be the latest as she has saturday dhall. She asked for 11:30, we said 11:15. I hate her being grounded, I want to let her go and do whatever she wants, but thats when she gets in trouble. She just walked in the door with christina. they want to change clothes, they are wet from swimming.

She takes her credit by exam next Monday for math, mark your calendar and say prayers for ALL of us around 3:00 central time!!

So, lets recap, 10 hours today, 12 tomorrow, a confirmation she stayed after, and mud wrestling .... all in all, it was a good day

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ashley
Originally uploaded by kahl4.

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Its not all bad, we are at an impass if you would. Both sides being neutral. I took this at dinner tonight, this is her "Hannah pose", meaning, she is smiling.

Lets talk about RENT

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On my first trip to NY, I didnt get to see any shows. Which really sucked because I am a broadway whore.

My second trip, I wanted to see RENT. I had seen the cast singing seasons of love on a talk show, and thats all I knew about it. I loved the song. We went to see the play and it was AWESOME. I loved it, I knew the girls would love it too.

Later, in an ice cream shop back at home, I saw a girl wearing a rent tee shirt. Its a connection, us rentheads. We *expect* others to comment on it. I asked her, she said it was coming to galveston. I was thrilled. We bought the girls tickets for christmas and went. They loved it.

We took the girls to NY on a family vaca and saw it again. They love the broadway version. It just so happened Joey Fatone was playing Mark. Hannah got to meet him and have him sign her playbill.

Our last trip to NY this Feb we went agin, twice. Hannah says if she lived in NY she would see it everyday.

I bought the book, bought the CD and am anxiously awaiting the movie. They have almost the entire broadway cast reprising their roles (all but Mimi & Joanne). If you are a renthead and like the occasion flame of a message board, you have to check out this link

http://www.compulsivebowlers.org/boards/

You will find movie pictures from the set, movie sounds (hear rosario dawson as mimi) and tons of info on the current broadway, touring and movie cast.

I have mixed feelings about the movie. Rent is very personal to me. Like the fellow rentheads, we get it. Now it will open to the masses. The movie was kicked around for years, at one time spike lee was to direct (I hear spike lees shooting down the street) Now, stepmom director chris colombus is directing.

I read/hear he is keeping the gritty edge, I hope. I find it odd how many people do not return after the intermission. Sad, the lack of acceptance when that is exactly what the play is about ..... I love it, love it, love it, love it. It is the *one* thing that brings ash & I together, most of the time ;)

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awkward

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We know, she knows.

We know she is only staying here because she has no other options. For now

We know she hates us. For now

We know almost everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. For now

We know, she knows.

How does one accept it? for now

How does one still love? for now

How does one be so cruel? for now

I know, I think, I hope, I pray that one day, for now will be long gone.

But to be honest, I don't think it will. I think for now is here to stay, forever.

Vienna

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Vienna
Billy Joel
(The Stranger)

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
You are still so afraid? hmmm hmmm
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day hey hey
But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you an just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through ohh ohh
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you
Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
But you know you can't always see when you're right your right
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true ohh ohh
When will you realize Vienna waits for you
Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook
And disappeaar for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two ooh ooh
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you.
You know that when the truth is told
you can get what you wantor you can just get old.
Your gonna kick off before you even get half way through ooh ooh
Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you?
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you?

So tired

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I am so tired, I am going to bed. I gave ashley the money for the project prom ticket, but told her I would be holding it until then. I think that's fair. The problem with not buying the ticket is it gives her one more reason to hate us.

We are trying to lose the hate, not perpetuate it.

I loaded some pictures at flickr so you can see the faces behind the masks.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/98809185@N00

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In happier times. Hannah, Ashley & I before going to see The Lion King when it came to Houston. I am the short one in the middle, Ashley is on the left (Tall and gorgeous) Hannah is on the right. This picture was taken three years ago.

tonight

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Today, Ashley called from school and said she couldnt find a teacher to stay after with. A school with almost 4000 kids, and no teacher. Fine. She comes home and goes directly to the computer. I ask her if she plans on coming to dinner. She says if she is still invited. She pulls up a program and says she is making him a card.

I Take Banana to the mall to shop for her best friends birthday tomorrow. We stop and get a card for dad.

Come home and jump in the shower, come on kids, need to get ready.

We are walking out the door and I ask ash if she has the card "the computer wouldnt work" I am incensed (sp?) Thats it, I am not speaking to her the rest of the night. I cant tell Larry either, it would crush him.

We get to dinner and in the salad bar line Hannah tells me, she doesnt have anywhere else to go. The only reason she stays here, thats why. Told Hannah this morning "I just want to graduate and go into the navy so I can fuck all of them". Nice. We eat (Taste of Texas, if you ever come to Houston, try it, its very good) a very awkward meal. My stomach is sick, I want to throw up, I cant even finish my meal. Ashley then asks us for 15.0o for project prom. I could not get the nerve she has. She didnt make anything for her dad, then when she "says" the computer isnt working, doesnt even call to ask me to pick one up for her. But yet, let us pay for prom. Right.

On the way home we stop at Randalls to pick up a little cake for Stephanie. Her mom is London and her dad out of town. When she wakes up in the morning there will be no family there to tell her happy birthday. I would never do that. The mere thought of it makes me even more disillusioned with ashley. She has no idea how good she actually has it. This mother who didnt notice her two toddlers gone for THIRTY minutes, they are dead in a pool. What the f&ck? Who does these things?

I digress. In the checkout line I feel sick ..... looming in my throat. I make it to the car, make it to the driveway, jump out and throw up. When I say she is making me sick, I mean it. I havent hardly eaten since saturday, my chest hurts and to top it off, I have a dental appointment in the morning. 2 cavities (Ive only ever had one) and another nasty deep cleaning, where they have to numb you first.

She comes in the house, straight to the computer. I am locking it tomorrow. I will let her stay through graduation. She spews hatred towards us but wants us to pay for everything. Nope. Sorry. Why in the world would we even consider paying for one night for you when you dont have the common courtesy to even write "happy birthday" on a sheet of paper.

Maybe I am over reacting. But when Hannah & I gave him the cards, I could see his hurt when nothing came from ash. *sighs* I dont even know why I am so surprised? I know she cant stand us. I am just going to have to get passed thinking she ever will.

*whispering* I see happy people

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We all know the line .... I see dead people ....

You know what I see? Happy People. Everyday. They walk into my store, happy people. Kids telling Mom or Dad that phone is too expensive, they dont need it. Moms and Dads happy to get it for them. I see friends getting friends phones because they cant afford it or they have been through a rough time. I see happy people and it makes me hurt so bad. They have what I want, they have what I can not will to happen.

I shake my head, I watch them browse, listen to the conversations. Then I see hurt people.

A lady comes in out of nowhere. She needs to change her plan. She needs long distance. She is in so much pain, I can see it, feel it, hear it in her voice cracking. Her 16 year old daughter is in juvenile detention in Bryan. Her second husband filed for divorce because he cant take the stress any longer. The police officers know her by name. She was sent directly to me, I know it. A total stranger, so much the same, so different. I told her, dont give up hope. Shared my story with her. At the time she came in, ashley wasnt living with us.

I took care of her, gave her a new phone with instant discount and a hug.

I know I am not going through this alone, but I feel that way. Every mother and daughter that comes in happy sinks me lower and lower.

I am haunted by happy people ......

not sure

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Last night, I am up. I can't sleep. I hear murmuring. I go by her door. Shes on the phone, I go in, its the cell phone. I take it, again. Where did this one come from? Same one, said it was on her bed. This after it was taken on Saturday. Larry may have left it there, instead of giving it back, she keeps it. The text messages, all about lies to us. I can't take it anymore.

I can not have someone in my house who lives to lie to me. When everything we do is for her, she does nothing for us. Only wants to use us. She does not care about us, hasnt for a very long time.

How much more do we have to give? When does it become time for her to prove? Never I guess. It's Larrys birthday today. I dont want any drama tonight. She is supposed to stay after to make up hours. I dont know if she will even call to be picked up. I dont know if she will even stay after. I dont know if she will even come home.

I am so tired of this. Im hating her again. I am filled with resent. I am her mother, true. She is not my daughter. She doesnt want to be, cant wait to get away, yet refuses to leave. Only ask to come back home once every bridge is burned. Makes no effort. How long am I bound to her? For life, or until she graduates?

I am sick, can not eat. I have a lump in my throat making me want to vomit.

Saturday was horrible. 10 hours, all problems. Monday, 11 hours, three days off. Not enough. I can't recoupe. Im wrecking myself for her, once again.

I really dont think she will ever change. I have 1 month until graduation. I dont want to send out announcements. What if she doesnt do it? I feel like I have lost my will. She can stay through graduation, at this moment, I am not doing anything extra for her. She can have a place to stay and food to eat. Thats it. The last ember of my ashes has gone. I can no longer be burned.

Nobodys Home

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I hear this song when I think of Ash -- She's still home, for now. I worked another 10 hour day, Im not sure if I can keep it up. Larry's birthday tomorrow, the big 40. We are all going out to dinner. I am going to sleep late tomorrow. It rained all day, the air is hot, thick and humid. My hair and spirit are flat.

Read Avril, see Ashley.

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way, She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her, I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home. It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now. Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home. It's where she lies, broken inside. With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes. Broken inside.

how it dropped ...

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This morning, I go to wake her up for saturday d hall. theres a cell phone. chanell got it for her so they could still talk, this after chanell gave me her word she would do whatever it takes to make sure ashley got to stay at home, graduate and be good at home. she got it for her.

this after we let her go to the movies last night when she was on groundation.

this after ashley said she would do whatever it takes to be able to stay, graduate and have a relationship with us.

my sister moving, pick her up from dhall, she leaves, doesnt even stay to help. sends me a text message statingf she wants to come after she stays out tonight.

probably wrong decision, told her be home by 8 or not at all

she comes home, so full of hatred, she hatesit here, she hates us, but wants to stay .... WHY?!?!?!

You do not know me, do not know how much we have given to this child. How many lies we have heard, how many times we have reached out for her, every time we reach she recoils.

I dont understand what its like to hate a parent ..... what do i do?

the other shoe

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it dropped this morning ..... dropped hard .....


what do i do??

the movies and what was let go ......

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this week has been very good. i mean, like a totally different child. i asked larry, what do you think is going on with ashley? "she's on drugs" he replies without a beat. i laughed, no she's not. later that afternoon, i picked her up from school, take her to get her cap, gown and graduation announcements. god i hope she makes it.

after the shopping, the doctor. removing the stitches from the last cut. while we are waiting at the checkout from the doctor, chanell calls. "are you with ashley?", "yes", "call me when you have a chance to talk" my stomach sinks. why is she callling? what did she do? ashley hears her on the phone, who was that she asks. chanell. what did she want? i dont know. you tell me im thinking.

im n a panic all the way home. just about 2 miles from the house i ask her, ashley, what did you let go of? what do i mean she asks. you had to let go of something. you can not fake being this good for this long, what did you let go of? oh, i let go of my stubborness, my trying to prove you wrong and thinking you were against me all the time. im glad. i tell her i could not relate to that feeling. my mom was there physically, never mentally. i never had any rules or structure, i crave structure now, probably why i love larry so much.

we get home, i call chanell. whats going on? she asks how ashley is doing. good, great, its been great. she wants to ask permission for ashley to see a movie with her tonight. she says she didnt want to tell ash about it unless it was ok. i tell her, let me talk to her dad, we are united front with ash.

he says yes, she needs to know we are not just keeping her down. she's at the movies now. we drive (as her car was sold during the last hiatus) we pick up.

i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, ive grown so used to thinking bad, its hard to train my brain for thinking good. she has sat dhall tomorrow morning. gets to make up 3 hours. 3 hours, 45 minutes down, 11 hours, 15 minutes to go. and pass math, and goverment, and economics. i talk to her friend mike tonight, he's going into the navy as well. i tell im, i need a favor, go in in june. if he goes, ashley will go.

its been good, very good.

Hannah Banana

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This blog is just like real life. So much time and energy focused on Ashley, Hannah banana gets left behind.

TAKS testing today, ashley did not have to be in until 11:30. She wants mcdonalds before we go. I drive, she's singing. get the food, off to school. as I am driving off, i see three girls walking, i look, Hannah is one of them .... a brief moment of panic. Hannahs leaving school during TAKS, no, they have a 2 hour period, they were walking to jack in the box. i pick them up, drive them, get the food for all three girls and take them back to school.

Hannah banana, how I love her so, so much light and laughter. she will never be neglected .....

The brown crayon

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When ashley was barely 5, we moved into our very first house. A real house with a backyard, swingset, little tykes turtle sandbox and all the trimmings.

One day, in our very own living room ashley was on the couch with her dad. she had a box of crayons. she was pulling each one out and asking daddy, "what color does this one say?" a blue one, that is midnight, a yellow one, that is canary, a purple one, that is violet ..... then, she brings out the brown one. "what color does this say?" "Brown" daddy answers. Ashley looks at him, "Daddy, I know its brown but what does it saaaaayyyyyy" .... "Brown" he answers again. Im watching over on the other end of the couch, knowing what any mom would do, in my head i hear "oh, you're right, it saaaayyyys CHOCOLATE!" ... I'm laughing, Ashley says "daddy, see? this one is blue, midnight, this one is yellow, canary, what does this one say!!!!!! I know its brown but what does it SAY?!?!" Larry finally says ITS JUST BROWN!!!!! I laughed for days.

So smart .... she was always so smart!

motherless daughters

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i saw the book before my mom died. i wanted to buy it because i felt motherless, even while she was alive. i bought it after she did die, couldnt read it, still havent, seven years later.

i would never leave ashley motherless. ever. its funny, the moms that are so bad, we still love them, would do anything for them because we want to be mothered. mothers that do give, in my case with my daughter, doesnt seem to want it. i always wondered if i had been a worse mother, would she love me more ......

I knew this girl

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A long time ago I knew this girl. Her parents had divorced when she was four. Her mom remarried and had another child. Her stepfather was a police officer. Her mom was additicted throughout the years to various prescription drugs. She would wake up in the middle of the night and go throw one pill out of each bottle away.

She always said she didn't remember anything before the third grade. Im not sure if she blocked it out or there just wasn't anything there to remember. She said she remembered being sick at her 3rd grade school picnic and having to go home.

They moved into a house that hell built. That's where I really remember her. Her stepfather would beat her mom, her brother and half sister. He would beat her mom on saturday nights then go and sing, in his police uniform, on sundays, with the police officers gospel quartet. It was there she first learned what hipocrite meant.

Her mom would wake her up in the middle of the night to go to the emergency room with a "migraine". The thing was, her mom could not get a shot unless there was someone to drive her home. But, she would never let her drive home. She would drive from doctor to doctor getting her injections then loaded, drive her daughter home, finally.

She would let her stay home from school if she promised to clean the house, spotless, then take credit for it when the stepfather got home.

The house was a wreck. I remember she often times did not have electricity, or running water. One time, she had to wash the dishes with the next doors house water hose.

As it went, things got worse. Her mom went form prescription to cocaine. Not snorting it, that wasn't good enough, she shot it, right into her veins. One time, she wanted a fix so bad after getting her stash, she pulled over and shot it with water from the ditch.

The stepfather had left, the legal battle over their daughter together was so intense, she was not allowed to live with either of them. She was taken to live with the moms sister for a year i think.

This was the worst time for her. No money, no food, no utilities at home. Her mom suggested maybe they could go to a hotel bar and pick up a man for money. For drugs.

There was a point right before the split they drove to pick up the stepfather. They stopped by the grocery store on the way home because they never had any food, while the stepdad was in the store, her mom pulled out his gun, waiting for him to return, waiting to shoot him. she didn't. I don't remember what she did to convince the mom not to shoot, I just remember her terror at it.

The girl met a guy who she loved instantly. We were all of seventeen and he was 20. She got pregnant after being told she would probably not be able to have kids. His family hated her, she was white trash to them, trying to trap what seemed like a rich boy.

She moved in with him and 2 months before she had her baby, she cut her mom off. she told her she would never see this child if she did not get sober. she changed her phone number. for four days she didn't speak to her, the fourth came with a knock on her door asking to take her to rehab.

For the next four years her mom got her life together. met a man who she seemed to love, got her other daughter back, thriving in high school. her son became a wanderer. ah, the middle child, always forgotten. I used to forget she even had a brother.

she struggled with money, a new baby and the man she had married without knowing a year but they made it. She tried for two years to get pregnant again, finally, another baby. She called her mom to tell her she would have another grandchild. her mom didnt quite hear because she was loaded again. back to the pills.

the new baby came and her mom was never sober agin. she wrote over 50,000 hot checks to foleys to support her ever growing habit. she was arrested, put on probabtion, it never made a difference. her mom was hooked. 8 years later into her disease she went to three different doctors, got three different prescriptions, went home and took them all.

the girl was devasted, she could not comprehend why her mom would leave her grandchildren. nevermind the kids, they were all grown, but the grandchildren were babies, they did nothing wrong.

she could not grieve in public. cried in the middle of the night. she was so consumed with her own grief, she did not know how much it devasted her 12 year old daughter. she wouldn't know for many years. when her husband told them grandma had died because of her heart (she could not tell them it was suicide) her 12 year old asked if she could call her best friend. she completely disconnected.

when that first pregnancy test was positive, she made a vow, she would do everything different, would never be like her mother. she kept that promise, gave her kids everything she never had. except, that one time, could not connect with her daughter, she always thinks she will pay the price forever.

This girl who had so much stacked against her made her life better with the man she loved. she has stayed married not because she didnt want to divorce, because she actually loves him. the kids were spoiled with love and trips and christmas mornings that looked like a norman rockwell painting. it was never enough though. how much would she have to do before the memory was erased?

It's been 36 years, and I still haven't erased the memories. The girl I used to know, she was me.

People are crazy

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OK, first, why the dot the then post? I'm crazy, I don't like the text starting right after the title.

OK, relieved not to talk about ashley for once. shes still sick, poor thing. have to go to the docs to get her stitches out, will get her checked. shes asleep. atlast.

OK, now, when you work with the public, you never know what you are going to get. Today was a good one.

This lady, frustrated, I didn't get why (I was not the one helping her) takes her check, tears it up and throws it at one of the managers, as Im typing, I cant actually believe it true. she then takes her drivers id and throws it hitting her in the face. What makes people act so ..... i cant even find the words. Then i think, maybe she has a daughter in rehab, or has just told her shes gay or may be failing. I just say a prayer, bless her, bless me. You never know what is going on with people. God knows i have been a storm underneath my calm "thank you" or "what can i help you with today" exterior.

But heres the funny part. I work for a cell phone company. Today Clint, one of my favorite employees takes a phone call. its a customer, their phone doesnt work. clint hangs up and asks, why do they call? He says next time he will asks them to hold the cell phone next to the landline while he sends some gamma rays to it. Oh mr customer, that didnt work? (Im laughing as I type this) well mr customer, you are just going to have to actually COME INTO THE STORE!!!! *chuckling* I find it funny.

Then I have my wonderful customers who i have grown to know and love. this one family, has been through so much, they come in, ask about ashley before even mentioning their phone doesnt work.

yes, people are crazy, but they are also wonderful .......

another good one

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She's sick. So funny how cuddly she becomes, needs to be mothered. She hasn't felt well for a few days. I imagine how run down her body is. Yes, by her own choices but also from my lack of chances. Domestic duties called today. The pool is warming up, weeds, new plants. I take her to Sonic, kidnapp her to the garden store. she goes without a fight. everything given gets a "thank you" everynight gets a kiss and I love you. You have no idea how blissfull it is. The thing I want the most was the one thing she would not give.

I tell Larry tonight how wonderful it has been. I don't even care if it is fake at this point. Ive grown so tired of hating her I am basking in the bliss.

School starts tomorrow. a meeting with her recruiter after school, discuss her job. I will be at work until 7:30, oh the joys of retail. Hope the bliss stays, sleep still with one eye open, try not to wait for the other shoe to drop.

It was another good day ......

A compromise

A compromise. Still on a hiring freeze, would not be able to replace me. He has done so much, was the one who said "do whatever it takes". A scrap of paper. Adding up the hours. 38 hours in 4 days. Every Saturday and Sunday, 3 days off during the week. Through May 9th.

I ask Larry (my husband) I can do this, can you promise to leave early the other 2 days. He's frustrated. Funny, a Vice President with zero control at home. It makes me chuckle sometimes. No, really, I need you to make sacrifices too. Yes, he can do that.

Still employed. 4 10 hour days. If she graduates, it will be worth it. I've been through so much more these past two years there, three more weeks won't kill me.

I call her, tell her the new schedule. She's says good. Three weeks. Credit by exam and prom done. If on track when progress reports come out, can get limits eased, to a degree.

It's when she is alone she gets into trouble. Not fair to make Hannah babysit her. We are the adults, start acting like it. Act up, no room for mistakes. I am happy with the choice. She seems happy. Can hear "true colors" in my mind ... 'can't remember when I last saw you smiling' .... Saw it last night, fills me with joy, gives me hope. Love her smile .......

going to bed

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm dreading it. I will ask for a leave of absence. We are on a hiring freeze which means he will not be able to replace me if he gives me the leave, I will still be considered part of the "head count". I will be forced to quit. I can't give two weeks notice, I don't have the luxury of time. I love my job, my crew. They have kept me sane during the last 2 years.

I dread it. However, my boss told me during our last conversation about ash, "do whatever it takes" ..... how words come back to haunt us .....

tv, towers and me

you know, i was thinking. i love the l word, qaf, rent, will and grace. love em, love all of them (except maybe brian, he can be such an ass) then it hits me. im like one of those crzy people who dont want cell phone towers in the backyard but warm the coffee in the microwave. why do i have ZERO problem watching gay shows, going to gay clubs, having gay friends -- but -- when it comes to ashley, that part sometimes goes away. dont get me wrong, i support her -- but as a mom, it is so hard to see all the heartache that can and will come her way. i remember my mom in law (died of cancer 3 years ago) she hated gay people. its wrong, they are all going to hell -- southern baptist.

if she were still alive -- would she love ashley? i sometimes wonder. so im like those freaks with the cell phones towers who love the microwave. no, im a mom. love her, warts and all ..... i think it hurts her dad more. i think moms are more open, maybe not moms, women. less homophobic. when we are in the bathroom stalls, someone opens the door -- they say sorry, we say "its ok" -- yeah, come on in -- its a party. although ive never seen men in the bathroom, ive heard its a very different story, eyes straight ahead. see, more homophobic.

what was the point of this post i forget? ........... oh yeah. im not a cell phone tower freak ..... i love her

good day

last night, ashleys asks if we can do something tomorrow, just she and i. even though I knew she was going to ask (and wished i didnt just incase she didnt) i was thrilled. i ask where, she doesnt care. i dont say anything about it the rest of the afternoon, right before i go to bed i ask, how about kemah? seafood, boardwalk style games, rides and shoppes. yes, kemah it is

we leave early, drive down, have lunch -- feed stingrays. she can be such a girl, squealing when they came up for food splashing in the tank. i smile. first time ive seen her laugh in a long time.

we ride rides laughing at each others tummies twirling.

shop, look, love. time to go, traffic. stop to get water, her a cherry icee, joys of childhood.

on the way out of the store, a grab, pulls me close -- thank you for today, mom.

good day ......

How it all started

How did it start?

It started her sophmore year. Soccer team. Bad kids. She was always a tomboy, skateboarding when other girls were reading bop.

Cassie. She liked her. I sensed it, then she told me. I think I may be bi. I laughed. No way, I want the weddings, I want grandchildren, no.

Cassie left -- Enter Channell. Obsession, addiction, channell ruled all. Grades dropped, attitude got worse. Summer. Junior year. Channell moved to Maryland. Late night phone calls, text messages. Meets Justin. Justin loves her, she loves Channell. Justin has problems of his own. Shares them with Ashley. Bars, valium, xanex. Valentines day, he gives her four bars. Day after, we watch as she sticks pins in her leg. Her eyes thick and loaded. Rehab.

She gets out, change is good. New haircut, new clothes. Doesn't last. Channell. In Maryland. No one knows what she is doing, she knows about Justin. Inflicts guilt. Ashley absorbs it. Cuts TLA into shoulder. True love always. I hate that saying. They say the first cut is the deepest, not true. The last one required 12 stitches. 3 inside, 9 outside.

We tried accepting. Wasn't good enough. We tried seperating, Channell moves back. Senior year. So much hatred. Meds don't work, therapy doesn't work. We're done. No more fighting.

Let her do what she wants. Give an inch, she takes a mile. Starts stealing. One week before Thanksgiving. Parents can't take it anymore. Time to go.

She leaves, comes home 3 days after Christmas. New years, drinking in the house, another chance. Doesn't come home, another chance. Fails economics, another chance, every chance another betrayal.

It's not who you love, it's how. We accept that, we love her. It is not Channell, it is her. The choices she makes, the pain she takes on. Channell tries to break up with her every two weeks. Fulfills some sick need to have ashley beg her. Big egos, low self esteem equal disaster.

Back to Feb. Take my girls to New York, one last trip before she goes. Catch her stealing for Channell. She leaves, roaming the streets. Comes to the theatre before the show.

Try to work, try to parent, can't do either.

She leaves again, burns that bridge, almost lives under one. Again, Justin is brought up, she is in an abandon house with a razor blade. 12 stitches. A phone call home. I need a place to stay. If you w3ant a place to stay, keep looking, this is a home, it has a family inside. She comes home.

Two days later she wants to go out. Six weeks from graduation, don't know if she will make it. Exhausted, numb, catatonic.

Fighting for credits, meetings with principals, how much more before she knows how much we care?

Another forbidden call, drop her off the side of the road. A desperate phone call in hysterics with Channell. She begs me, let me talk to her. Ashley calls the next day. I'll do anything it takes, I want to come home. Channell tells her if you don't work things out with your family, I can't be with you.

If she doesn't do it for herself, if she doesn't do it for me, maybe she will do it for her. Atleast she is trying .......

After School

she came home. excited with new software. My little artist since day one, now so dark. she asks "what are we doing tomorrow?" -- no school. she wants to do something, just us and maybe Hannah. She's trying, I'm trying. No tension to cut, it's lurking underneath. Have faith. Doesn't have to be to school untill 11 two days next wek. Will you be here to take me she asks? Yes I say. I wonder -- will she be here to go? It lurks -- past choices affect current chances -- expect the unexcpected she says ........

March 19th 2000

Two Years Ago Today …

Two years ago today,
only hours before you slipped away,
I saw the emptiness in your eyes,
and I’m sorry I never heard your cries.

Before you left, you smiled,
and I think you knew all the while.
But did you know how I, would forever look for a sign,
If I had known I‘d seen,
your smile for the very last time?

Now my day are filled, with the business of life,
and not one day goes by,
without thinking of your strife.
All the joy that comes, with each little milestone,
also brings the pain,
of a glomming headstone.

Do you see my daughters smile and grow?
Do you know how much they miss you so?
Do you hear my silent cries at night?
Constantly wondering, “Am I doing this right?”

Your son is getting married,
you would have another daughter now.
If we had loved you more,
would that have changed your mind somehow?
Your Mother lost a husband, the one you loved so much.
Does he make you smile now,
as he always did and such?

Just once more to hear your voice,
one more minute, to make another choice.
Things would be so different, if we could do it one more time,
and I would look much harder,
for that fateful sign.

So alone now I walk, through this Mothering game,
with the deepest yearning,
for you to once more call my name.
I am the leader now, so many eyes looking to me,
A matriarch for our family,
I never wanted to be.

I always thought for us, that you would still be there,
to calm and comfort, to shower us with care.
But for us instead, the ones you left behind,
is a hope that our grief and pain,
will somehow ease with time.

The questions and the guilt, that often raise their head,
cannot be answered or calmed, from those who are dead.
We now look to each other, to calm the bitter demons,
and wonder if it’s you, when a door for us opens.
We see you now, in pictures and in dreams,
that are not always comforting, because of painful screams.
Two years ago today, we were forced to say goodbye

I'm new here

I used to know this html like the back of my hand.
I'm new here
Quitting my job to save a child
Blog seems cheaper than therapy
Don't really know why
Hope it sticks

I'm new here

shes home

Ashley, my daughter home again.

3 times kicked out, 3 times asking to return.

I say this will be the last time. I said that last time.

Watching her, like watching my mom. Can't save her, can't help her.

Hear Avril's 'nobodys home' when I think of her.

Was it me? Her dad? Her grandmas suicide so young?

Don't know. Only know I love her, hate her, miss her.

I look upstairs at my favorite pictures of her, how old was she? Three.

Black and white photos in the waterfall. Free .....

Six weeks till graduation, will she make it?

Going into the navy, will she make it?

2 hours until school is out, will she make it home?

The other daughter, hugs mom when she cries for ashley

14 years of fun, 18 years of doubt

not really sure. Still numb from the last goodbye.

Dont trust her, can't give up on her

On vacation

Im on vacation. Paiting rooms, getting them ready for my sister and niece to move in. Ashley's home. Leave of absence. I have to tell my boss. He will understand, .... I think. Don't really need to work, he says it's OK, just cut back. Thank gawd real vacation is paid for. Hawaii. Never been, can't wait.

Supposed to go back Saturday. Saturday DHall for Ashley. Has to make up 14 hours of skipping. Has to pass govermnent, has to pass eco, has to get credit for algebra 2 -- six weeks left.

Leave of absence -- six weeks

Am I still here?

Deleted what I tought was an extra blog, think I may have deleted -- let's see