I knew this girl

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A long time ago I knew this girl. Her parents had divorced when she was four. Her mom remarried and had another child. Her stepfather was a police officer. Her mom was additicted throughout the years to various prescription drugs. She would wake up in the middle of the night and go throw one pill out of each bottle away.

She always said she didn't remember anything before the third grade. Im not sure if she blocked it out or there just wasn't anything there to remember. She said she remembered being sick at her 3rd grade school picnic and having to go home.

They moved into a house that hell built. That's where I really remember her. Her stepfather would beat her mom, her brother and half sister. He would beat her mom on saturday nights then go and sing, in his police uniform, on sundays, with the police officers gospel quartet. It was there she first learned what hipocrite meant.

Her mom would wake her up in the middle of the night to go to the emergency room with a "migraine". The thing was, her mom could not get a shot unless there was someone to drive her home. But, she would never let her drive home. She would drive from doctor to doctor getting her injections then loaded, drive her daughter home, finally.

She would let her stay home from school if she promised to clean the house, spotless, then take credit for it when the stepfather got home.

The house was a wreck. I remember she often times did not have electricity, or running water. One time, she had to wash the dishes with the next doors house water hose.

As it went, things got worse. Her mom went form prescription to cocaine. Not snorting it, that wasn't good enough, she shot it, right into her veins. One time, she wanted a fix so bad after getting her stash, she pulled over and shot it with water from the ditch.

The stepfather had left, the legal battle over their daughter together was so intense, she was not allowed to live with either of them. She was taken to live with the moms sister for a year i think.

This was the worst time for her. No money, no food, no utilities at home. Her mom suggested maybe they could go to a hotel bar and pick up a man for money. For drugs.

There was a point right before the split they drove to pick up the stepfather. They stopped by the grocery store on the way home because they never had any food, while the stepdad was in the store, her mom pulled out his gun, waiting for him to return, waiting to shoot him. she didn't. I don't remember what she did to convince the mom not to shoot, I just remember her terror at it.

The girl met a guy who she loved instantly. We were all of seventeen and he was 20. She got pregnant after being told she would probably not be able to have kids. His family hated her, she was white trash to them, trying to trap what seemed like a rich boy.

She moved in with him and 2 months before she had her baby, she cut her mom off. she told her she would never see this child if she did not get sober. she changed her phone number. for four days she didn't speak to her, the fourth came with a knock on her door asking to take her to rehab.

For the next four years her mom got her life together. met a man who she seemed to love, got her other daughter back, thriving in high school. her son became a wanderer. ah, the middle child, always forgotten. I used to forget she even had a brother.

she struggled with money, a new baby and the man she had married without knowing a year but they made it. She tried for two years to get pregnant again, finally, another baby. She called her mom to tell her she would have another grandchild. her mom didnt quite hear because she was loaded again. back to the pills.

the new baby came and her mom was never sober agin. she wrote over 50,000 hot checks to foleys to support her ever growing habit. she was arrested, put on probabtion, it never made a difference. her mom was hooked. 8 years later into her disease she went to three different doctors, got three different prescriptions, went home and took them all.

the girl was devasted, she could not comprehend why her mom would leave her grandchildren. nevermind the kids, they were all grown, but the grandchildren were babies, they did nothing wrong.

she could not grieve in public. cried in the middle of the night. she was so consumed with her own grief, she did not know how much it devasted her 12 year old daughter. she wouldn't know for many years. when her husband told them grandma had died because of her heart (she could not tell them it was suicide) her 12 year old asked if she could call her best friend. she completely disconnected.

when that first pregnancy test was positive, she made a vow, she would do everything different, would never be like her mother. she kept that promise, gave her kids everything she never had. except, that one time, could not connect with her daughter, she always thinks she will pay the price forever.

This girl who had so much stacked against her made her life better with the man she loved. she has stayed married not because she didnt want to divorce, because she actually loves him. the kids were spoiled with love and trips and christmas mornings that looked like a norman rockwell painting. it was never enough though. how much would she have to do before the memory was erased?

It's been 36 years, and I still haven't erased the memories. The girl I used to know, she was me.