March 19th 2000

Two Years Ago Today …

Two years ago today,
only hours before you slipped away,
I saw the emptiness in your eyes,
and I’m sorry I never heard your cries.

Before you left, you smiled,
and I think you knew all the while.
But did you know how I, would forever look for a sign,
If I had known I‘d seen,
your smile for the very last time?

Now my day are filled, with the business of life,
and not one day goes by,
without thinking of your strife.
All the joy that comes, with each little milestone,
also brings the pain,
of a glomming headstone.

Do you see my daughters smile and grow?
Do you know how much they miss you so?
Do you hear my silent cries at night?
Constantly wondering, “Am I doing this right?”

Your son is getting married,
you would have another daughter now.
If we had loved you more,
would that have changed your mind somehow?
Your Mother lost a husband, the one you loved so much.
Does he make you smile now,
as he always did and such?

Just once more to hear your voice,
one more minute, to make another choice.
Things would be so different, if we could do it one more time,
and I would look much harder,
for that fateful sign.

So alone now I walk, through this Mothering game,
with the deepest yearning,
for you to once more call my name.
I am the leader now, so many eyes looking to me,
A matriarch for our family,
I never wanted to be.

I always thought for us, that you would still be there,
to calm and comfort, to shower us with care.
But for us instead, the ones you left behind,
is a hope that our grief and pain,
will somehow ease with time.

The questions and the guilt, that often raise their head,
cannot be answered or calmed, from those who are dead.
We now look to each other, to calm the bitter demons,
and wonder if it’s you, when a door for us opens.
We see you now, in pictures and in dreams,
that are not always comforting, because of painful screams.
Two years ago today, we were forced to say goodbye