breakthrough? breakdown?

Last week, as I was playing Mom to Page during one of our lunch discussions, I had a breakthrough. Breakthrough? Breakdown? I was telling him about a little about the way I grew up, which was really terrible at times. No ten year old should have to call 911 because her mom was in the bathroom trying to kill herself.

I told him how the stepfather would disable the car, she couldn't go anywhere. Deserved at times, because when she did go, it was to get high.

Meals were never planned, always stopped at the grocery store day of, or something picked up.

One time, picking him up from work, she had his gun out of the holster (he was a police officer who sang in the gospel quartet on Sundays after a good beating Saturday nights) and was going to shoot him when he came back.

He was in the store, because she had no access to the checking account, and was given very limited access to cash. She had control over nothing. She did have possession of guilt. She got pregnant with Autumn, he left his wife and two boys, and it just never seemed to stop after that.

I wonder why it took me twenty years to put this together? I think it's time for another ride on the therapy train. I think I have done pretty well for my mental health, all things considering. But everyone needs a little help now and then.

texas hold 'em

Sheriff style.

Tonight, on my way home, I pull out of the parking lot to a slew of cop cars. Six of them to be exact. Four sheriff's (county), one constable (smaller county), and one DPS (state trooper). They had guns drawn, pointing at the car. A man got out, with his hands high in the air.

WOW! I was on the phone with Marilee, she asks me, "Are you joking with me?" NO! I look up, no helicopters, so it wasn't a high speed chase. I'm gonna have to watch the news tonight to see what happened!

It was a very productive day, for both Jeff & I. I stockpiled on supplies in November to avoid ordering during December, so today, I had to replenish. Conference calls, etc. I got a lot done, and even learned a little excel. I freaking hate excel and our company can't do anything without it, so it was time for me to start learning. Hey, I've gotten away with it for three years. :)

Dan was having vacation credit issues. He took vacation during November, and was counting on the credits. Turns out (something we all knew but seemed to plain forget) the commission department only pays out 80 hours worth of credits a year. Since he rolled a week over, and took all three, he didn't get credits for the third.

I feel sooooo bad for him. My commission checks have been OK since I took the money out of my hands, and put it in theirs, but managers don't get paid on reps credits. Even though my check was lower as well (we didn't make quota in November) I've offered him a little loan. I feel so bad, because I knew this, and it just slipped my mind.

Now, on to something good. It's New Years, yes, I usually don't make resolutions, (I usually just pray for a better year), but this year I am. And have already taken steps to keep them.

A) Stop smoking. I have tried to quit a few times. The first, cold turkey. That was awful. Second, with the patch. That was better, but still not successful. The third time I took the Zyban and the patch. I had quit for a year until a crazed customer threatened me when I worked at Kirklands. I was going to stop about a year ago, but that's when things got really bad with Ash, and going outside for 3 minutes at work, or taking a break in the garage was the only thing keeping me sane at times. So, yesterday, I went to the doctor and got a prescription for the Zyban. You start taking it, set a quit date, then stop. I plan to do the Zyban and the patch at the same time, since it worked so well.

B) Lose weight. I'm 5'3" and 149. I know, it's a low number, and I probably sound silly worrying about it. I'm short, so 149 looks a lot different on me than it does on someone say, 5'7"! My blood work came back with my cholesterol on the high side, I need to live healthier. This may fall in the too much info category, but I carry it up top and behind me. Not bad places, but still ;) I can't see my feet depending on what bra I am wearing, and that's not a good thing! So, while at the doctor, I got a b-12 shot and a diet plan. I am at 149 and counting.

C) Get promoted to Manager. While I have no real control over this, my goal was to be a Manager by May of 2006. I wanted the managers hours for Hannah's senior year, to be home with her more. Well, that's kind of shot, but I still have the goal for myself. There are certain things I will want, 1) A salary above midpoint, and a good store. The salary should not be hard, but a good store will. I've had my eye on one since the beginning, so we shall see.

This year is gonna be the one, it has to be, it simply has to be!

validated again

Oh STB -- The day I have had! lol Thanks for the research & help :)

I can't seem to get the comments off of the main page, even though I followed the directions to the letter. I'm wondering how much I should trust them. They are a blog site, and the spell check doesn't know the word "blog".

So, here's the deal -- If you want to bypass the word verification, you can click on the "No helium suckers" link" That's the Haloscan one. If you wanna leave a regular blogger comment, that is the "post a comment" link.

For I am just a cavewoman, your technology frightens and scares me

chow funs - aka - the story of us

Have I mentioned I like to tivo movies and watch them as I go to sleep? (Or listen to them as it is) One of my favorites, is The Story of Us.

The tagline for the movie was "Can a marriage survive fifteen years of marriage?"

The movie is so good, and if you have the special dvd with commentary, you would hear the director talking about how even the beginning credits, with the u & s going together, one stopping, going opposite directions, etc, was all designed to be like a marriage, hence, the story of us.

There are many, many lines I love in this movie, but I must confess, the part I love most, is the end. Almost happily ever after.

Followed by the best series of lines in a chick flick ever --

Michelle Pfiffer - "I want to go to Chow Funs"
Bruce Willis - "I thought we agreed we couldn't really talk at Chow Funs"
M - "I know"
B - "Are you saying Chow Funs because you can't face telling the kids? Because if that's why you're saying Chow Funs, don't say Chow Funs"

M - "That's not why I'm saying chow Funs, I'm saying Chow Funs because we're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy there are cities built on top of other cities, but I don't want another city, I like this city. I know what kind of mood your in when you wake up by which eyebrow is higher, and you know I'm a little quiet in the morning and compensate accordingly, that's a dance you perfect over time. And it's hard, it's much harder than I thought it would be, but there's more good than bad and you don't just give up!"

"And it's not for the sake of the children, but God they're great kids aren't they? And we made them, I mean think about that! It's like there were no people there, and then there were people and they grew, and an an an I won't be able to say to some stranger Josh has your hands or remember how Erin threw up at the Lincoln Memorial"

"And I'll try to relax, let's face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits, and I know I'm no day at the beach, but I do have a good sense of direction so I can at least find the beach, which isn't a weakness of yours, it's a strength of mine" (tears)

"And God your a good friend and good friends are hard to find. Charlotte said that in Charlottes Web and I love how you read that to Erin and you take on the voice of Wilber the Pig with such dedication even when your bone tired. That speaks volumes about character!" (sobbing now)

"And ultimately, isn't that what it comes down too? What a person is made of? That girl in the pin helmet is still here 'bee boo bee boo' I didn't even know she existed until you and I'm afraid if you leave I may never see her again, even though I said at times you beat her out of me, isn't that the paradox? Haven't we hit the essential paradox? Give and take, push and pull, the yen the yang. The best of times, the worst of times!"

"I think Dickens said it best, 'He could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean', but, doesn't really apply here does it? What I'm trying to say is, I'm saying Chow Funs because, I love you"

Bruce Willis, running to the car, jumping up and down ....

"Did you hear that kids?!?! Mom wants to go to chow Funs!"

Ahhhhhh, if it were only that easy ...... If you haven't seen the movie, I really just spoiled it for you. Even still, if you are a chick, and have been married a while, this one is worth a rewatching

i am invalidated

I decided to install Haloscan for the comments. Many people have trouble with the word verification thing, Haloscan seems immune to it, so it seemed like a good idea.

Until it erased every comment ever left on my site.

There were some pretty awesome comments, and this makes me so sad.

No where on the site did it state my comments would be erased .... argh

just call it christmas spirit

I came home early today, my throat feels like there is sandpaper in it. I was only scheduled for five hours, made it three and a half, not too bad.

As I mentioned, I sent Larry a text message thanking him for the sheet(s).

He replied, telling me I was welcome, thanking me for "helping Hannah with the dvd set" (I got him the entire series of First & Ten, one of the very early HBO series).

He said that he wouldn't be cashing the check for the brakes, but appreciated me dropping it off.

What was that again?

I sent him an email telling him thanks, but out of curiosity, why?

His reply?

Just call it Christmas spirit.

My first instinct is to think, yes, that spirit that you are suddenly full of, that you never wanted anything to with it before. Second thought is, he is making a list, of everything he is giving me during this separation and will sling it at me during mediation. Third though, and least weighted, he is realizing money isn't everything, and if the brakes keep me safe, and allow me to eat at the same time, it may just be OK for him to give me some.

I'm so conflicted. There are parts of me that want to work it out, they are small, and they don't live long. I'm at the what I like to call Scarlet stage. It's gonna take a grand gesture at this point, which he is incapable of doing.

For the past three New Year's Eve's I have wished for a better new year. This is gonna be the one, I just know it!

and gone again

Funny, Ash is gone again. I dropped her of at the airport about an hour and a half ago.

A very familiar scene, her leaving, with me involved. It's wasn't as tragic this time.

I have no idea when she will be back, or the next time we get to see her will be. I'm guessing it will be in NY, as I am seriously considering moving there after March. Or, just during one of our routine visits there.

If she gets transferred to Virginia, she a quick train ride away.

Off to work!

even bubbas are doin' it

I totally forgot to post this. Last week on my way to only TWO trips to the mall this season (pretty good, huh?) I was taking a break from my Wicked cd.

First, let me try to explain. I have XM radio, but because I got it so long ago (five years now) all I have is the little modulator. I really don't know that word either, but it replaced the tape deck in the tahoe. It's very small, about 4 inches by 2 inches. Then, I also have a music keg. No, it doesn't play beer, it holds 12 disc, that plays mp3's, so I have about a gazillion hours of music in there. It's velcro'ed (is that a word?) somewhere on the dash. Then, there is the plain old CD player in the radio.

The audio experience in my car is quite that, an experience. If I want the music keg, I put it the fm station on 89.1, turn off the xm modulator, turn on the music keg, and select which disc I want.

If I want xm, I tune the fm station to 88.1, turn off the keg, tune on the modulator and select which genre I want.

If I want radio, which never happens, I use the radio, but can leave the modulator on, so if I see a better song on the display, poof, I can change. Same with CD's.

Now, back to the story. I was taking a break from the Wicked CD (if you're playing along, that's in the player) and was listening to XM. I was in holiday traffic, and turned it down for some reason. Then I heard it, Defying Gravity. Were all of my mismatched electronics freaking out? Was my Wicked CD playing with my modulator? What in red, yellow and green plugs is going on?

It wasn't me.

It was the bright red diesel truck with the confederate flag stickers on the windows who was drinking a beverage that was coming out of a paper bag. Proud as all get out, loud enough that I could hear through his closed windows and my lower volume xm.

Did I mention it was like 10:45 in the morning? I guess he likes his starbucks frap in a paper bag ......

its the thought that counts

Right?

Tonight, I came home to do some laundry. One, because I was almost out of unmentionables, two, I only had two clean Sprint shirts left, and three, to wash my new sheets, complete with snuggle liquid and dryer sheets.

I opened the box, shook them out, you know they press those things together so tight!

Only one came out.

What tha?

One? Surely there was another on in there somewhere. Nope, only one. I looked at the package.

One luxury fitted sheet.

I call Hannah to find out where they got them so I could get the top sheet. No answer. I call Ash, no answer, I call Autumn (who is feeling better, also feeling like she lost ten pounds! **thanks for all your thoughts) she doesn't know.

I break down and call Larry. I didn't want too, because I knew it would make him feel bad, and also feel jipped because he probably spent 50-60 bucks on ONE sheet.

So, looks like I will be using that target gift card to buy the other sheet.

and a good day was had by .... almost all

Everyone except Autumn.

She brought the girls and Dejah over around 11:30. I had already started the chili, stockings were stuffed, everything was wrapped and ready.

I had bought the girls the misc stuff (previous post) but their big things were digital cameras. They all three got one. Ashley, Hannah and Autumn. I told Ash I expect at least one picture a week. I may have to ask Larry to split some internet access for her in her room.

We ate some homemade chili, Dejah & I made a chocolate cake, and poor Autumn spent the day in my bed. Her stomach was in turmoil, and giving her bouts from top to bottom :(

We took her home to bed, then I took all three girls to the movies. We saw Narnia, which freaking rocked. Hannah was bitching about seeing it (how did I miss these books for them when I loved them myself?) since she didn't know what it was about. She was on the edge of her seat the whole time, and loved it afterwards. We all did.

I dropped them all off at home, checked on Autumn, who was in the same place we left her, on the couch. I hope she has food poisoning instead of some nasty virus that will stick around for a while.

Ash bought me some TV trays, really nice ones. I love them because I never eat at the table. She bought them with her own money, and I know that had to make her feel good.

Hannah brought me 600 tc egyptian cotton sheets. I have a feeling Larry had a hand in that. I sent Larry a text message telling him Merry Christmas, and thanks for helping Hannah with the sheets.

Autumn brought a gift card, to Target, which I love and had to promise not to use it for laundry detergent.

Corie gave me the softest, prettiest pink ballet sweater. She also stuck some body souffle from Sephora in the box. It's "The Ice Cream Man" - Philosophy "A good man is sweet". She thought it was funny, and ironic.

Monica brought me a pink tool box. Yes, the box is pink, and all the tools in it are pink. I freaking love it.

It's not about the gifts, unless you are someone like me who loves to give them, then it is about the gift. It's my love language (or so I have been told).

I hope your day was wonderful, whatever wonderful means to you.

And bless the souls of those no longer with us. Family, friends, soldiers, and lovers.

the landscape of christmas

In years past, every inch of my house was covered in red, green, sparkled, twinkling Christmas decor. And I do mean every inch.

I assure you, it never looked tacky. It looked like a winter wonderland. I loved it, still do.

This year, with the landscape as it is, it is smaller and lighter, though still special.

I took the little tree and decorated it with all the "special" ornaments. It is my Christmas dream to have a tree decorated entirely with handmade and dated ornaments. I would be perfectly happy if everyone gave me a dated ornament for Christmas.

I didn't buy one for myself this year. Chalk it up to needing to spend on others, and couple that with a year I truly would like to forget (most of it anyway).

Here are some pictures --

the tree

my angel, a paper cup with a cotton ball ashley made in kindergarten

small hannah mitten, with a small hannah handprint

ashley long christmas past and a stuffed, colored & stapled hannah gingerbread man

ashleys stocking and "block bear"

hannah stocking

bad mom

I really don't remember who did this one!

to wong foo thanks for everything, julie newmar

I am going over to Corie's this evening after work. They have a tradition of having tamales & hormel chili for Christmas Eve, I have a tradition of cooking from scratch, so we are combining the two.

As I put my sunglasses on while cutting the onions for the chili, it reminded me, as it always does of the Patrick Swayze scene in this movie. And just to let you know, it works.

My wish for all of you is to be accepting as the town was in To Wong Foo.

If someone is different, it doesn't make them wrong, it simply makes them, them.

My wish is that we could all be accepting as that small little town that had three angels visit disguised as drag queens.

Acceptance, it's a good thing.

Merry Christmas Y'all.

it may be time to stop reading when ....

The blogs you read creep into your dreams.

Last week, I had a dream we were at the Superbowl with Suzi. We had great seats, but she was on her way to the owners box.

Wednesday night, I had a dream I was at work, but instead of selling phones, we were selling art. And Sue & Charlotte just happened to come in.

Last night I had a dream I was meeting my favorite little green boy in Kansas. Which was probably a direct result of our phone conversation yesterday.

I'm not complaining, because I'm actually dreaming, which means I am sleeping, and sleeping well because the good sleep comes during r.e.m. where you dream.

So, it's all good.

Tell me about your blog dreams!

burnt ends

I'm not going to rehash yesterdays (and Tuesdays and Mondays) drama at work. It's time to let it go and get off the freakout bus. There is one last stop on Saturday, and everyone should be off by then.

Larry is confusing me. I asked him for the money to fix my brakes. Since he unplugged my ABS cable, instead of actually getting them fixed, it put more wear on my brakes and now they are gone.

When I called to ask, he started his usual bitching. I pointed out that had it been his car, the problem would have been fixed. He said nothing ever went wrong with his.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T KEEP THEM LONG ENOUGH!

I called him back, and he was ... cool. No problem, he will transfer when he got home. I think it's just knee jerk for him to gripe. Then he realizes this is why he is living alone, and relaxes. At least he did do it, and for that I was grateful.

Now, on to some really exciting news!

I found out last week that the 2006 schedule for manager training was posted. This is excited me for several reasons.

One - I get to go.
Two - It's in Overland Park Kansas, at World Headquarters.
Three - Randy (my favorite manager and Saturday night dancing partner) had already planned on going the same time as me.
Four - It's basically a free vacation. Plane trip, hotel, car, food, and oh yeah, 8-5.

I didn't get to go to Jacks Stacks (or something like that) or eat any BBQ while I was there last October, so I'm gonna definitely do it this time.

Now, here's the coolest part. Mandy is also going! And two other managers from Houston. That's five of us, the class only holds ten. We are gonna have a freaking blast!

It starts Monday Feb. 13th, which will be great spending Valentines with some of my best friends!

I'm soooooo excited. I may even try to get a little green boy who lives near Kansas to drive over to actually meet me!

remeber that team i knew and loved?

They have been replaced by aliens. Seriously.

I will not bore you will all the details, but I will say that if some people don't shut the f*ck up, they will be talking themselves right out of a job.

This morning I walked into this --



And this was AFTER the cleaning crew came. It seems four very competent adults could not be bothered to throw their cups away. Look closely, see the FULL glass of coke? I mean, who goes next door to souper salad, pays 1.89 for a coke, the leaves it, full on the counter.

On top of the microwave you can see a little box, an EMPTY box! There's also an empty bag of chips and of course, an empty bag of peanut butter crackers.

Oh what joy. And our change drawer was five dollars short, with a nice little post it note telling me so. Not how it happened, not how did you fix it, just five dollars short, and you figure it out.

And the numbers are wrong, reported three more acts than we really had. When you work in sales, in December, you can not make a mistake with numbers.

I'll type more tomorrow, for now, I am going to bed!

ladies and gentlemen ......

Hell has frozen over.

Yes, the Texans actually WON today! They played great (against a very weak Arizona defense) but hey, they looked wonderful.

However, we may have just won ourselves out of a first round draft pick. If we are tied for last, it becomes a lottery, and since we've done nuthin' but lose, we'll probably lose that as well. Oh well.

I picked Ash up this morning and we headed down, enjoyed the game through the third quarter and decided to leave to beat the rush. We stopped by Todd's apartment and dropped off the venison (STB, I agree, yuck!) but he loves it and was very happy.

We finished watching the game there, Ash slept on my shoulder (which was nice).

Then, we headed out to the crazy shopper land.

In every town, as I think I have mentioned before, there is a part when you can go to get really cheap purses, belts, etc. That's where we went.

For a hundred bucks I got the following --
Two scarves (one for Hannah and Ashley), four belts (two for each), a belt buckle for Ash, three complete necklace and earring sets for Hannah, and a very good looking fake Louis Vuitton Cherry purse for Corie. Not too shabby, huh?

Since Ash was with me, and she is impossibly hard to buy for, I let her pick out what she wanted, but told her I was holding it, and would wrap it for Christmas. Hopefully, she will be surprised and like her "big gift" (which I will tell all about next Sunday :)

About the time we were headed home, Hannah called. I told her we were stopping by my apartment, and would then be there to all go to dinner.

When I got to the house, Larry was there, and Hannah was on the couch. Seems she had decided to pitch a snit fit, and didn't want to go with us to eat. I wasn't even going to argue with her, so, Ashley and I headed out ... again. On my way out, I told Hannah if she wasn't going to go, she could have called.

On the way out ... again, I told Ashley when they act like that, it just makes me not want to do anything for them! It burns me up when they act like that so close to Claus day! And they can't be threatened with good behavior anymore!

So then, and this is truly the best part of the whole damn day, my phone rings as we are waiting in line for Ashleys "big as your face burritto" (otherwise known as Chipoltle). It's Larry.

He is just wondering why I ditched Hannah today. What? I ditched her? How?

What he asked before we left for the game -- "Are you coming back for Hannah?"
What I said - "We are going to the game, going by Todd's and then going shopping as this is my last day off before Christmas"
What he heard - "I am going to the game with Ashley, bringing her back home, going shopping, then coming back here to get both of them"

I need to get an English to Larry translator I swear to gawd.

I proceeded to try and explain to him, but then stopped. I'm done explaining, done. I told him my "take crap" intake box is closed, to everyone. I am not taking it from anyone, anymore, Hannah included.

After I hang up, the lady behind us said, "You tell 'em girl!, I assume you were talking to a man". Ashley & I both laughed and said yes, I was.

I then asked Ashley. What did you hear? Because I really thought that is what I had said. Yes, confirmed, that is what I said. Even the lady behind us thought it would be pretty crazy to drive downtown, drive back home, go back to Harwin (those of you who know the area can appreciate) then drive back home ... again, to take them to dinner.

We then proceeded our small talk through the line, her son in college, me pointing to Ash 'just graduated bootcamp'. I was abruptly interrupted. NOT BOOTCAMP! I AM IN "A" SCHOOL! Apparently, when I refer to her "just graduating bootcamp" it insinuates she has accomplished nothing, when in fact, she is now in I-T-S "A" school.

This was very funny to me. One, just because, and two, because she is PROUD of what she is doing.

She decided to stay at the Starbucks adjoined in the shopping center and I started to make my way home. Now, don't judge me when you read this next part.

I stopped by the dollar store for stocking stuffers and some last minute little gifts. Wow, have dollar stores changed! There is some really cool stuff there. Sixty five bucks later, I have all four stockings very well stuffed, a huge gift basket filled with fun stuff for Dejah and Autumn (they are getting a joint gift, it is more for Autumn, so I wanted Dejah to have something fun :), wrapping paper, tissue paper and a couple of cute strands of beads for the tree.

It was a good day.

it's a wonderful life

Today, I was blessed. More so than usual, and I do lead a blessed life, even with all the drama.

Yesterday Hannah & I picked Ashley up at the airport. Her flight was an hour late, so we didn't get to go to the place we wanted for lunch, but, when you haven't had tex-mex for three months, anything mexican taste good.

Hannah & I went ahead and parked so we could meet her in the terminal. Hannah was just beside herself, she couldn't wait to see Ashley (she hasn't seen her since August).

When she finally came through, they hugged, tightly, closely for a good two minutes.

Then Ashley proceeded to punch her in the arm for her "probono" shopping visit.

Some things never change :)

We had a great lunch and I took them both to the store. Everyone there that knew Ash was happy to see her and congratulated her for everything she has done.

Larry came to get them, and even offered to pay me for 1/2 her ticket. I think he finally realized yesterday, tomorrow and Christmas Day are my only three days with her, he has all the rest.

Yesterday and today at work were just awesome. I work with the most amazing people. When you spend more time there than at home, it's nice to love the people as I do.

Yesterday, Ely & Clint organized a pot luck lunch. Ely brought tostada's, Clint brought Mac n Cheese, Monica brought the most amazing Vietnamese noodles I have EVER had, some brought cake, ice, cokes, everything.

With all the Ashley excitement, I had totally forgot, and wished I hadn't because my lunch came up three times after I had eaten *blech*.

Then, today was just so busy, so much fun, everyone happy, the Christmas rush finally kicking in. Jeff bought pizza for the store, so we had lunch today as well.

Then the coolest thing. I was able to speak with both Jan & Annie! BOTH! They needed some help, which I was more than happy to give. I am so excited for them both, their whole family!

It was a great day. Tomorrow Ashley & I are going to watch the football game, then stop in and give Todd some backstrap. For you non hunters, that's the best part of the venison. Since he didn't get to hunt this year, and Larry went last year, we have tons of it, and am sharing with him.

Don't stop giving, spread it around all year long, y'all!

nurse kimmy

My very good friends Deanna & Todd have been through a lot lately. Christmas in a furnished apartment 2 miles from MD Anderson and missing your daughters birthday is not exactly where and how you want December to go.

Deanna posted on her page she needed sign ups for Todd. He decided to have a seizure last Friday (the night after banana & I had dinner with them) and got himself stuck in the hospital for four days. She needed to be back at work, so she asked for help. This in itself is huge, because Deanna is wonder woman. I have no idea how she is holding everything and everyone together.

I signed up, all day today. I had actually forgotten about it until she called last night. So today after my follow up doctor appointment (bloodwork all good, cholesterol a little high) I headed down to MD to pick up my patient for the day.

I drove him back to the apartment, wondered why the roof at Reliant was open (the apartment is literally across the street from the stadium)? We warmed up some pizza and settled in on the couches.

We reminisced about our deliverance trip to Lake Livingston, our dream trip to Florida, and all the funny times in between. It was really great. We may have even decided on a Christmas gift from him for Deanna.

I made him drink his fluids, I made him take his temp. After an hour of his magnesium drip still a full little bubble, I threatened to drive him right back down the street if didn't go down within the hour. He shook it, lifted it and it did start to go down. To which I asked, "You didn't think you were going to get off that easy did you?" He laughed his big hearty laugh.

Todd is someone who never, ever meets a stranger, or a stranger pet. You would be lucky to meet someone like him, even luckier to have him in your life. He is awesome. And he loves Deanna with a passion that is so very wonderful to see.

Later in the afternoon, I cooked up some pork chops, stove top (I know, but it was what was there) made some gravy and fed him dinner.

By the way, where in the hell did all these "judge shows" come from? I mean, I'm sorry, you really have to want a divorce bad to go on "divorce court". It's just sick!

I met Deanna about seven years ago .... online. We have traveled together, lost friends and family together. She is wonderful, and I love her dearly. There are some really great people out there in cyberland and if you are very lucky, some of them stick around for awhile.

apron strings

Listening to Kristin's 8 month pregnant belly, it (she) kicked me in the ear. There is nothing better than having someone wrapped in your apron strings .....

turn your volume up

Apron strings
hanging empty
crazy things
my body tells me
i want someone to tie to my lonely
apron strings

apron strings
waiting for you
pretty things
that i could call you
i want someone to tie to my lonely
apron strings

he'd look just like me when I was young
and I wonder as the days unwind
will he have your eyes or mine
then i wake up to my
apron strings
cold and lonely
for time brings
thoughts that only
will be quiet when someone clings to my
apron strings

and i'll be perfect in my own way
when you cry i'll be there
i'll sing to you and comb your hair
all your troubles i will share

for apron strings
can be used for other things
than what they're meant for
and you'd be happy wrapped in my
apron strings

at last

I went to the new doctor today.

He listened. That right there got my attention.

He drew blood, a lot of it. That's about 1000 times more than the fired one did.

He wants a full blood check up. He said it could be a thyroid issue. Something fired doctor never even mentioned.

And lastly, he wrote me a prescription for a sleep remedy.

My body collapsed last night. After two weeks of my no sleep cycle, my body had enough. I was passed out on the couch at 8:30, in bed by 9:00 and slept, yes, slept all night until the alarm went off at seven.

Ahhhhhhhh.

My eyes still look like raccoons, but hopefully this medication will work. I looked it up online, and he wrote the highest dose.

Ashley comes in on Friday and will be staying until the 27th. I'm going to try and switch a day so I can pick her up and take her to Chuy's. She is craving Mexican food with a passion.

Hopefully tonight, I will be sleeping again.

7 hours -vs- 90

Last night, I got an amazing seven hours in a row. One hour is good, two to three is great, but seven? Awesome. Yes, seven uninterrupted hours of sleep.

It's amazing.

Tomorrow morning I go to a new doctor. One I heard wasn't afraid to prescribe sleeping pills. Hopefully I will be sleeping like a baby tomorrow.

I am in the middle of a 10 day stretch with an average of 90 hours. Gotta love holiday in retail.

I am going to Corie's for Christmas Eve, then picking the girls up around 10 Christmas Day. I am so tired, and I only have the two gifts I got for the girls. I have a lot I need to finish.

I am sorry I have been neglecting my commenting on your blogs. I should be back to normal January 3rd :)

peace out yo

i support bush

Before you jump to conclusions, read all the way through, you’ll see my point of view.

I truly support Bush. I do. He is the only one who can pull us out of this slump, and he clearly beat his competitors. By a landslide!

Our other leader, who I will not mention (but starts with a C) has not done a whole lot for us in four years (and the year before). Admit it. He has borderline sucked.

We simply can not win without him. He has proven himself over the past four years. He can go the distance.

He can press forward through a number of blocks. He has proven himself worthy of being number one, top dog, LEADER.

Yes, when you are at the bottom, you must look up and that is what Bush will do for us.

Thank goodness we live in a country where being down is not out. We can get Bush, even though his time is up. We can, we should, and I really hope we do.

Reggie Bush is/will be our savior when the Texans draft him in the number one pick!

I really had ya going there, huh?

imagine

it's easy if you try ....

strawberry fields forever ....

Sometimes, I wish I was older.

doctors vs. insurance vs. lawyers

Today, I basically fired my doctor.

I finally got an appointment after my sleep study to go over everything with him, and hopefully find some answers to my insomnia problems.

Now, let's take into account that I literally had to drag my ass out of bed because I was up until 3:30 am, and the appointment was at 10:15, forty five minutes away.

I go in, wait for an HOUR, he strolls in and asks how I am.
Tired.
Why?
BECAUSE I DON'T SLEEP!

He says he had "just read over my study". First he says that was not the place he wanted to refer me. Well, sorry Mr. I'll refer to you only, but my insurance paid for one, it's the same data. Let's move on.

You feel asleep in 1.7 minutes. Ummm, that's not even a logical equation. One minute seventy seconds? I tell him it's a typo, there is a lump in my throat. Well, it's what the data says.

You averaged sixty percent sleep during the study (the average is 80), out of that you REM was 13% (the average 25 - 30). Yes, I know this, I had already gone over the study with the clinic, who told me it was not apnia, but more anxiety and insomnia.

He then told me he wanted me to go back, sleep with the O2 on my nose. Oh, and that I wasn't getting any sleeping pills. I was in tears. Do you really think I would be here if I really can sleep? If I were doctor shopping, or just trying to get pills, I would have never gone to the study, I would have found another doctor.

He offered me some anti depressants as a "meeting in the middle". I'm not depressed, I can't fucking sleep. And yes, a small part of the problem is maintaining sleep, but the biggest problem is trying to GET to sleep. While I am awake and breathing just fine.

He told me that because I "stopped breathing" for 1.3 seconds over ten times that he could not give me anything that would medicate me. If I died, someone would sue him. He then went on to say he would rent me the breathing machine, and then he could give me sleeping pills.

I replied, so, I rent the machine, I don't use it, I take the pills, I die, and that's OK? Yes, because he could go to the court and show them he rented me the machine.

We're done. I walked out the door, then walked out of the office, in tears, and cried all the way home.

Jeff calls and asks how it went, I tell him, he says find a new doctor. He sees the bags under my eyes, he sees how tired I am everyday. He sees how good I am the rare nights I actually do get to sleep.

Sometimes you just have to listen to the patient, which he was not. I don't go to the doctor unless I need too. I don't take pills unless I have too.

I have tried valariun root, melatonin, st johns wart, "sleepy time tea". I have a tempurpedic mattress, black out curtains, I have tried everything to optimize and maximize sleep. It just doesn't like me.

I called the sleep clinic in tears, she said she would try and have their doctor call me. I'm calling back tomorrow, having them fax me my results and finding a new doctor.

It simply amazes me that junkies and doctor shoppers can walk into almost any clinic and walk out with three different medicines. Someone like me who really needs something can't get it.

Maybe if I didn't have insurance and paid cash, where it is tracked less, I'd get something .....

recycle

It seems forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Larry & I are both guilty of this.

I can forgive him for saying "I told you we shouldn't have had another one" when I told him how much daycare was going to cost when I priced it after Hannah was born. But I haven't forgotten it.

It seems Larry & I are recycling an old fight. Every three years lightly, every ten years, heavily.

Ten years ago, I had had enough. I was not getting what I needed emotionally from him. I didn't feel the love. I had two children that for the first seven years I had raised pretty much on my own. Larry didn't ever want to go anywhere or do anything. All the portraits were of me and Ashley, and then Hannah.

I met Marilee (my best friend for 13 years now) when I started babysitting Little Ashley. (we call her little Ashley because their were two of them, to this day she is still "little Ashley, and my Ash is "big Ashley") Little Ashley & Hannah were about two. Both had chubby cheeks and were in diapers. When Marilee would come to pick her up, she would ask, "Where's Larry?" He was in our room, on the computer.

This was way before Al Gore invented the internet. They were dial in boards. FTP credits so you could download. This is where he spent most of his time. Playing Kings Quest. I grew to resent the computer horribly. I grew to resent his absence.

A few years later, that was it. I was done. But it wasn't a true conscious decision. It was more like, OK, you do your thing and I'll do mine. Christmas time came around and I found the perfect gift for his nephew. Robert was a huge Rockets fan. This was the season after we won the first championship. I had heard that if you drove down to the Summit (formerly Compaq Center, now Lakewood Church) on practice days, as they drove out they would often stop and sign autographs.

So, I drove down with my Rockets shirt in hand waiting for the players to come out. A car drove in, stopped and asked me what I was doing, I told him I was waiting for autographs, he said he may be able to help me. He drove down inside, then had a guard flag me over. I got to go inside and wait by the door instead of having to chase them down on foot.

He gave me his card, I called to say thanks. He invited me down again, then out for drinks after the game, and so on. I was not attracted to this guy, at all. But it was fun hanging out with the Rockets and feeling alive again.

Then one night I met the assistant trainer. I was, what word? I was interested. It was dangerous, it was wrong, I had checked out, he was checking me out. I was 27, on the verge of a mini nervous breakdown, and here was some relief. We flirted, a lot. We talked, a lot. We went out.

Larry began to suspect there was something more, and even though I really didn't care at the time whether he knew or not, I denied it. He would come home, I would have the girls fed and bathed and then head out on my way if I wanted.

I was at game four the night we swept the Magic on our second straight championship. I saw him afterward, for about a second. Shortly after that, and I'm not sure exactly how or when, the flirting went to more. One time.

That was all it took. Larry found out and lot of crying, screaming and hurting followed.

We both took the blame, it was shared although not equally. Mine was bigger than his. I remember telling him during the anger part, "You never wanted to spend any time with me. Well, someone else got your time". He can forgive that, but probably has not forgotten it.

We went to counseling and fell in love again. We both changed. But not equally. He made an effort to be more involved, I made an effort to never again hurt him like that. I had more work to do because of the intense guilt I carried around. Whenever I was out doing something, I would call from that number so he could see it on caller id. I brought home receipts and proof of every place I had been. Something I still do to this day. Because I never, ever wanted him not to trust me again.

There were two very chance encounters that were not planned, and did not continue. Larry knew. Whenever I speak of someone who shares the same name as the mistake, I always include the last name. It's a habit.

To this day if I am running late at work, I call from the landline, not my cell. Caller ID.

We actually started our marriage ten years after it began, in more ways that one. We really became a family and started to come together. But, I could never, ever watch basketball again. I was too afraid I would see him sitting on the sideline of some team. It's not worth it.

In one of the latest emails Larry sent me, he brought that up. I guess I deserved it, back then, and to some degree still do. I told him I was sorry he felt the need to go so far back in the past. If he really wanted to go back there, we could. There were reasons. Were they validated? At the time, yes. Was it wrong? Yes. Am I still racked with guilt still to this day? Yes. Do I resent him for bringing it up ten years later when I have done nothing but be a better person and cringe when I think of that time? Yes.

He can forgive me for the affair I had ten years ago, but he hasn't forgot it. On the flip side, I probably wouldn't either.

now you know

Be the ball. Bounce bounce bounce.

Be the ball. Pounce pounce pounce.

Throw all your balls in the air. Grow some balls.

Be rubber. Don't let anything stick. Be flexible. Be the ball.

Today was an adventure to say the very least. Jeff calls, our new district manager wants to meet him for lunch. It could be Jeff tested his limits with an email about our quota yesterday. Our quota was raised 115 phones. Our sister stores quota was lowered. Their month, three month and year trending is substantially higher than ours. We are trending the same. The math is trucked up.

It could be that Jeff was still live on the conference call this morning when he made some comments. All true and validated, just a little more ballsy than he would have normally been.

It could be that one of our employees was to be fired. We have two out on a limb right now.

So, Kimmy dear, instead of going to lunch at 1:00, you'll go at 2:00. I can handle that. The meeting? Quota. It is what it is. It sucks. Kimmy, can you stay late? Jeff has a ton of stuff to do, will be buried in his office. No problem, I am the ball. I'm on the ball.

I got the results of the sleep test. Only 13% of my sleep is in r.e.m.. The normal is 25-30%. I was awake 65% of the monitoring. I can breathe, I can not maintain sleep. REALLY? Call your doctor back and make another appointment. It takes three phone calls to even get through. I get the appointment.

Schedule changes. Staying open until nine effective, now. Six days a week through Christmas.

Monthly reviews with employees. Feed Jeff. He is closing, if he doesn't eat, he'll kill 'em. Have long talks with the employees. You do this great, let's work on this, what can we do to help? Let's bounce the ball together.

Make a step. Call dealership. Bounce a little higher. Let's see how high I can go. Fax an application, one step closer to my dream car. On my own. bounce, bounce, bounce.

Then the email comes. Now you know. With an atatchment. In black and white, with a little color he writes to me. A very nice pdf. Dodgeball. Throw hard. Detailed is everything we owe. Insurance, cars, credit cards, house, boat, season tickets, insurance. 300,000. Not bad, eh? A 4000 sq. ft. house, a 26 foot boat, his brand new G35, my old Tahoe. Really? Only 300 thousand? Balance on one side, payments on the other. The amount he has left after net pay, bottom line. Now I know.

Do I? I guess I do. This is the first time I have seen such a comprehensive list, or a real amount. After everything, he still has money left over. WITHOUT my paycheck. Wow-

Still bouncing? Barely. I'm staying late, I'm tired and I'm hungry. On my way out, a voice from the office. "Thanks for all your help today" No problem, I am the ball.

I come home, look over the spreadsheet again. This is how it starts. Everything owed written neatly over excel. Owed to creditors, what we owed to each other doesn't fit anymore.

Tomorrow, forgiving isn't forgetting. Why I don't watch basketball.

actual reality

act up. fight aids.