How it all started

How did it start?

It started her sophmore year. Soccer team. Bad kids. She was always a tomboy, skateboarding when other girls were reading bop.

Cassie. She liked her. I sensed it, then she told me. I think I may be bi. I laughed. No way, I want the weddings, I want grandchildren, no.

Cassie left -- Enter Channell. Obsession, addiction, channell ruled all. Grades dropped, attitude got worse. Summer. Junior year. Channell moved to Maryland. Late night phone calls, text messages. Meets Justin. Justin loves her, she loves Channell. Justin has problems of his own. Shares them with Ashley. Bars, valium, xanex. Valentines day, he gives her four bars. Day after, we watch as she sticks pins in her leg. Her eyes thick and loaded. Rehab.

She gets out, change is good. New haircut, new clothes. Doesn't last. Channell. In Maryland. No one knows what she is doing, she knows about Justin. Inflicts guilt. Ashley absorbs it. Cuts TLA into shoulder. True love always. I hate that saying. They say the first cut is the deepest, not true. The last one required 12 stitches. 3 inside, 9 outside.

We tried accepting. Wasn't good enough. We tried seperating, Channell moves back. Senior year. So much hatred. Meds don't work, therapy doesn't work. We're done. No more fighting.

Let her do what she wants. Give an inch, she takes a mile. Starts stealing. One week before Thanksgiving. Parents can't take it anymore. Time to go.

She leaves, comes home 3 days after Christmas. New years, drinking in the house, another chance. Doesn't come home, another chance. Fails economics, another chance, every chance another betrayal.

It's not who you love, it's how. We accept that, we love her. It is not Channell, it is her. The choices she makes, the pain she takes on. Channell tries to break up with her every two weeks. Fulfills some sick need to have ashley beg her. Big egos, low self esteem equal disaster.

Back to Feb. Take my girls to New York, one last trip before she goes. Catch her stealing for Channell. She leaves, roaming the streets. Comes to the theatre before the show.

Try to work, try to parent, can't do either.

She leaves again, burns that bridge, almost lives under one. Again, Justin is brought up, she is in an abandon house with a razor blade. 12 stitches. A phone call home. I need a place to stay. If you w3ant a place to stay, keep looking, this is a home, it has a family inside. She comes home.

Two days later she wants to go out. Six weeks from graduation, don't know if she will make it. Exhausted, numb, catatonic.

Fighting for credits, meetings with principals, how much more before she knows how much we care?

Another forbidden call, drop her off the side of the road. A desperate phone call in hysterics with Channell. She begs me, let me talk to her. Ashley calls the next day. I'll do anything it takes, I want to come home. Channell tells her if you don't work things out with your family, I can't be with you.

If she doesn't do it for herself, if she doesn't do it for me, maybe she will do it for her. Atleast she is trying .......