feeling conflicted (warning, screaming of the F word below)

.

When I called Larry in tears telling him about the test I told him "I don't know why I'm crying, it's her fault." Larry says, find a tutor, I don't care how much it cost. It's worth it to get her graduated and into the navy.

He's right, it doesn't matter, but it does, to me. I don't know whether I should tell her, look, you have fucked up your life by blowing off algebra. You have gone to school for 13 years years and wasted it all over 3 weeks of algebra. Yes, summer school getting sick, wasn't your fault, but failing it junior year was. Had you not failed jr year, you would have been able to take economics and government in summer school for ORIGINAL credit and not be in the bind you are now.

Once her recruiter finds out she hasn't passed and will not be graduating in May, it is likely he will drop her from the DEP (delayed entry program). Then, as bad as this sounds, we are stuck with her.

Then I feel like telling her we will do whatever it takes to get her passed. But, haven't we been doing that all along? What has *SHE* been doing? Nothing except thinking and dreaming of Chanell. When will she snap? When will she realize that life is more than tunnel vision end of your nose one girl?

We have battled with her for almost 3 years now. We have lost the battle and the war. There are no moral victories, no small wins, nothing. The graduation announcements still in the kitchen, inching ever closer to the trash. More wasted time and energy.

And yes, some (a lot) of my anger is directed at the school right now. Why did they waste a month? Why didn't they tell us a month ago she could not take the test again? We have 20 days until graduation. The last chance test is on the 26th. They tell us today, the day of the exam, oh, by the way, you can't take it.

I want so badly to fight for her, but how can you fight for someone who doesn't fight for themselves? Conflicted isn't even the word, I'm beyond conflicted. I am picking her up in an hour. I won't know what I will do until I see her. Her assistant principal says she was crying, devastated. What will she do? Is this the rock bottom for her? Will she put forth *any* fucking effort now?

Nope, probably not. It's just one more time the world has failed Ashley. It couldn't possibly the other way around now could it?