two and a half plus a new low

.

I have suffered from insomnia for the better part of 13 years. I can not turn my mind off at night, so it just sits there, denying me sleep, rambling on and on and on. It got so bad about 6 months ago, even 2 tylenol pm wouldn't cut it. I would fall asleep then wake back up at 2am, not to be able to go back to sleep until about 4 or 5.

I finally went to the doctor. He said "I dont think you are depressed, but here is an anti depressant and a sleeping pill. I tried it for a month and did not go back. I do not want to take prescribed meds for a fear of what my mother did. I figure tylenol pm is safe enough. I am now up to two and a half tylenol pm in order to get to sleep, and stay asleep. It is horrible, when you can't sleep, you calculate what time you actually have to get up, what time you actually have to be asleep and that determines what time you will actually have to take the tylenol pm.

Two and a half tablets taken 3 hours before I have to go to sleep. Thats my calculation. I slept till 10 this morning, something I never, ever do.

While going about my morning ritual (a dr. pepper, a vitamin, checking to see if Larry actually remembered to take the trash out) I had a thought. A thought? Or a new low? I'm actually surfing the net to see if I can find a copy of the credit by exam test Ash has to take on Monday. No luck though. What kind of message would that send to her if I actually found a copy for her to study? Does it mean I would do anything to get her graduated? Does it mean that if you cheat for a good reason it's OK? Does it mean anything?

She is doing the same thing she did before the economics credit by exam. She is focusing on Chanell and not herself. I thought to myself, I am not paying for summer school ----- *again* This girl has a 120 IQ. She is brilliant. If she actually studied for the test, she would pass it.

So Kim. You won't pay for summer school, but you will try to find a copy of the test. RIGHT. This is why I can't sleep. These are the things that go through my mind.

I project. I can see it happening. All the time on the phone and the computer, planning project prom and her three year anniversary, the test, the last thing on her mind. Monday will come, the test will be taken and failed. One more thing she gives up for herself for chanell. Chanell really doesnt care if she doesnt graduate because its one more year for her. Thats where my problem comes in.

So, she doesnt pass, doesnt graduate, is forced to take summer school and not be able to go into the navy until September. I actually think this is what ashley wants, so she can have the whole summer with Chanell.

I am taking the phone and the computer until Monday. She will study for the test without distraction. And if I actually do find a copy, I will stoop that low.