six months to life

Moby freaking rocks my socks (as Hannah would say)

I have taken a small step. I reduced my lease to six months from a year. I'm having to choke on the extra 69.00 a month my rent increased, but it's a step.

Saturday, after we resigned the lease, Larry walked to the apartment and stayed with me while I ate my mac and cheese. Topic of discussion, the letter Ashley wrote him.

I saw it Friday while picking Hannah up, but didn't have time to read it.

I told him, as long as there is tension between Ashley & I, there would be tension between he & I. There was a point where he was extremely frustrated, as was I. But I think we understand each other to a point.

In her letter, she mentioned that I sent her a birthday card, and it surprised her. During a point in our discussion, I told him, "YOU haven't even given me a birthday card" He asked if I wanted one, YES! I replied. I was pissed/hurt/angry that he got a letter and I did not. It just proved once again that he is the hero, and I am the bitch.

I asked him, do you really think this is how I wanted it? I want to buy furniture for her, set up her apartment, help her start a life. My childhood was so bad, I always went the other way, to extremes. I fought with Larry over and over to give them things, we went without year after year so they would have the perfect Christmas, the best vacations, that their mom would be there at school plays, Valentine's Day parties and the like. To a point it was. Eighth grade, Ashley's English teacher met us during open house. She exclaimed "you are such a FUN FAMILY!" She knew this from the "Monday Journal" she had the class write from their weekend adventures.

I had a fairy tale idea of motherhood, and daughterhood. I wanted girls, both times. I wanted to be supermom. Now I am super bitch.

She LOVES the Navy. She is holding two jobs. She brought in a ship, got a 5.0 on her inspection, hasn't got into trouble and learned to shoot a gun. That one scares me. She could go on to officer's school if she chose too. She could do anything she puts her mind too. I have always known this.

Her letter to him and all the glories of the Navy just irked me beyond belief. Partly because the Navy was MY idea for her! It's hard to describe, and still here typing I can not put it into clear words.

Jealous? Yes. Mad? Yes. Hurt? Yes.

He left as I had to return to work. It just kills me to have things like this between all of us. But slowly, Larry & I are making it back together.

With Ashley, I continue to project.

Projection #1 -- Graduation. Does she want me there to stick it to me? Cocky telling me, "see, I told you so". Does she want me there to be proud of her? Does she want me there because she loves me? The mind she twisted so well always returns to option numero uno.

Projection #2 -- She writes she is not sure how much liberty time she will have. Again, the warped mind says "she is setting us up" This way if Channell happens to make her way there, she can ditch us for her.

Projection #3 -- We all get together, something will be said, and I will extend my lease from six months to a year. ----- Again.

I return to work. I get a text message. From Larry.

"There is a letter here for you from Ashley"

I call him, he reads it to me. Projection -- She was a lot more informative in your letter. Jesus Kimmy, I say to my twisted mind, fucking be happy she is writing you at all. The twisted mind the circumstances created -- does not trust, always running the plays, can not sleep, can not think.

I will write to her again. She wants us there to be proud of her. We are. She loves the Navy. I knew she would.

How's it going to end?