you think i could learn

how to tell you goodbye ..... you don't bring me flowers, you don't sing me love songs, any ..... more

I heard this song on my way home tonight. I was listening to the 70's station on XM.

Yesterday, I spoke with the mediator and learned a whole lot more. It's not quite as simple as I thought. Instead of the easy $400.00 we thought it would be, it is now $1200.00. And yes, it will probably cost the entire amount. I called Larry to go over some of the details, to which he asked how much I would be paying for.

Well, let's see. Ummm, I'm thinking none. Not to be hateful, I simply do not have it. My base salary is less than 30K, yes, less than. My "at risk" is just that, at risk. I work on commission, and this December's commission check was 1/2 what it was last year. Why? Because I am no longer in sales. If you are a faithful reader, you will remember in August when I got promoted I stated, "I am taking the money out of my hands, and putting in theirs". We got jacked on Decembers quota (it was about 100 more than it should have been) so instead of making money in December, which everyone else did, we didn't.

Now, take my less than 30K and not fulfilling "at risk" compared to his six figure salary. I think you can pay for it. He said he couldn't talk to me about it because he was at the mall. At the MALL? The root of all evil for him? Again? I asked why, because I was so shocked, he said he was getting something for Hannah. Naturally.

Now, here comes the bummer news. Since Decembers final numbers were so bad, it has put a crimp in my New York plans. Decembers commission check will be paid at the end of January, that's what I planned on using for the trip. Not so much now. I came home, wrote Larry a final email, trying once again to try to explain how and what I was feeling, and to give him the number of the mediator, so he could hear for himself how and what is needed.

After that, I called Hannah. They were just walking in from Olive Garden. Let me just say here that Larry hates the Olive Garden. Are you seeing the pattern here? I was going to gingerly break the news to her about NY. It was no big deal for her, she stated she would just go to Colorado with Stephanie. Hmmm, last I checked, you were not to be going anywhere with Stephanie outside of school. Again, faithful readers will remember after the last episode (before the stealing) they were both told, specifically, one more mistake, and no more. This upset her more than the trip, and since she felt I was attacking her, she decided to hang up on me.

I called her back, no answer. So then I called Larry. I proceeded to tell him how Hannah had hung up, he asked why, I told him, and he decided to lay into me about not keeping them apart, they are best friends, yadda, yadda, yadda. I am floored. This is exactly why I left the first time, him not backing me up with Ashley. This conversation about Hannah turned into a "how dare you send me an email telling me (and I honestly can't remember the verbiage)". Which turned into this is this, and that is that. Then came back around to Hannah, and Ashley.

For the first time through out all of this, I started crying in our conversations. Am I on glue, or did he not remember the conversation we had with Stephanies parents that night after the smoking, purse, cutting issue came out? Did we not all agree they were on a short, supervised leash. Then came the pictures online, then came the other things, then came the final straw, the stealing. I had thought we made it quite clear that Stephanie was off limits. Apparently, it was the last straw for me, but not for him. He'll give her one more chance. She was grounded for three months, she has learned her lesson.

No, what she has learned, from you, is that if no one notices they haven't sent her a court date, that everyone will forget about it. When she first got caught, the officer told Larry we would receive something in two weeks about her court date. It still hasn't come. And he hasn't called. "No time" was his answer. Yet he was at the mall at five o'clock shopping.

I literally broke down. It still astounds me how one sided it is. It hurt me with every word. I finally relented. You are right Larry. You raise her however you want. You make the calls, since all of mine are out of line. Once more faithful readers, you know how much crap I have put up in the past year alone, not counting the two before that.

I was in hysterics by this point. Having someone invalidate everything you have done has a way of doing that to a person. During one of the rounds he said he would ask her (Hannah) if I said that (no contact with Stephanie, that they had three chances left), I told him to at least have the decency to call me and let me know I was right. I retracted that, don't ask her, don't tell her anything, just keep on being very happy together, because God knows, I am a lunatic. Anything he even tries to do now will be seen as "Mom told you that" and a wedge is starting to be driven through that relationship now as well.

He said, "Well, I guess I will talk to you later", like, OK, we're done, see ya. My tears were not stopping, I replied, choking through my tears, "No, you won't, I'm done" and hung up. An hour and a half later after the call began. I will admit to you now, I seriously thought about just going away. I feel worthless, I feel like everything I have ever worked for is gone. I feel like I have become the fall guy. How did it become my fault? How did I become the monster? I told Larry, do me a favor, on Saturday or Sunday, casually ask Hannah, "I'm thinking of having your Mom come home", see what she says. I know what she would say. The reason is she has it made with daddy wrapped around her little finger, who doesn't hold her accountable and it's all fun and shopping.

That crushed me more. I was at the end of my sanity rope. I cried for about an hour after that. The funny thing was, and I am so fucking stupid for thinking this, I really thought he would come over here, to try and talk more rationally. Could he not see how distraught I was? Could he not hear my heart breaking with every tear? Could it be that my worst fears have been confirmed, that it has nothing to do with all the "extra data", it only has to do with me. We hung up at 8:00, and nothing. No phone call back. No email, no text message, just, nothing.

My eyes were red, my skin thin from the tears, and my eyes, crystal blue. The only good thing about crying is my eyes turn bluer that the pacific. Although I do not recommend the way they get there. I sat, in silence for two hours. No TV, no lights, just the shallow breathing that hysterics finally relents to.

I finally crawled into bed, my body exhausted, and fell sleep. Today it still hurts. The very reason I had left in the first place, was coming right back at me, full speed, and he simply could not see it.

I learned how to love and I learned how to lie, you think I could learn how to tell you goodbye ...... you don't bring me flowers .... any .... more

** edited to include, I AM ok. I am. I am just hurt and sad. Don't worry about me, just let me vent and let me cry.