i really don't know what to say

My two days off were good, and needed. We had our district manager's meeting at Dave & Buster's (a place like chuck e cheese for grown ups). We ate, had our meeting, then went and played games. It was a lot of fun.

After the meeting, I went over to the house to see Hannah and wait for Larry to get home. We have decided to go the mediation route instead of full on lawyers, etc. It is a lot less expensive, and since we can pretty much figure everything out, that is the route we are taking. So, I thought it may be a good idea for us to get together to get some of the basics worked out.

It started out good, simple. The house, the car, Hannah, etc.

Then somehow, it changed. He decided to take out a loan on his 401K and pay off all his credit card bills and my Tahoe (which was no big deal because it was almost paid for). His new payment towards the loan equals the total payment of my Tahoe.

So the spreadsheet that he gave me, listing all the debts was just reduced by about 1500g a month. After his loan payment, he just gave himself about a 1000 a month raise. He doesn't see it that way. He also did this (I believe) to get everything paid off and set himself up, while shorting the available balance of his 401k pre divorce.

Then he proceeded to tell me during the course of conversations, he wouldn't let me have access to the finances because I would "go through them". I think he thinks we would have been living in a box somewhere had I been in control. When I told him, "We have done really well", he replies, we've done OK. I just have to shake my head. I told him stop acting like your living in some oppressed time when you aren't allowed to be happy that you HAVE something. Chicken little, sky is falling. Worse case scenario.

I called him on Christmas. How much did you spend? WILLINGLY I might add. I never got the full answer. What I did get was it was ok for him to do it, because he knew exactly how much was going where. I actually can not get over it. Even as I type, two days later, I don't believe it.

His statement, I got everything I wanted, went wherever I wanted, worked if I wanted too, etc. I told him, I must really be stupid to have left then. I mean, why would I leave such lap of luxury? Why if I could go and do as I pleased, had all of these things, and didn't have to do anything for them? I must be an idiot!

I still love him, I always will. But his warped way of thinking just bewilders me. His complete lack of trust of me (with no reason) hurts to no end. Leaving him for good will be one of the hardest things I have done.

I spoke with Corie yesterday, and in telling her, I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Corie has seen this first hand for about five years now. She knows. She told me I was too good of a person to be treated like that. I know, I know she is right. I cried for about an hour after that.

I told Larry (via email at this point) there were only two things I really ever asked him for. One, to back me up, which started about twenty years ago with his parents (you would not believe some of the things they said to me, and he allowed). And to not speak to me like I am an idiot. I have to say, I really don't think I have gotten either of those as of late.

He conceded I am a much more considerate person than he is. He recounted a lot more of the things I have done for him than I thought he would remember. This after he told me a few weeks back that everything I did was for me and the girls, not him.

Yet he cannot bring himself to show me just a little bit of that. He never has, but I accepted that, it was OK. I accepted loving more than I was loved. I didn't resent doing any of the things I did for him. I enjoyed them, they made me happy. That is the biggest difference between us. I enjoy loving and giving. He resents it.

I am not perfect, by any means. I have my faults, as we all do. I'm not living in a glass house, or in a dream world. Distance brings clarity, clarity brings truth, and truth hurts.