the d word

I asked for it last night. Divorce. He agreed. Then he asked me for 1/2 of the ipod we bought for Hannah for Christmas. Then he asked me for the other 200.00 for our Texans tickets. Then he asked whether I was paying for Ashley's ticket home.

Is this what it is reduced to? Who is paying for what? I told him, he could pay for the ipod, that was my idea, he could keep the tickets that he doesn't want and he could pay for the ticket for Ashley.

I'm like that turkey we ate the other day. Done.

It began like a string hanging down from a sweater. You pull on it a little, try to snip it so it won't unravel. The snip worked for a little bit, then it started coming loose again. Try a match, to sear it, melt the ends together. All that does is burn whatever you had left.

I really always thought Larry & I would be together forever. We would be old and gray, laughing about the past, going to weddings and visiting grandchildren.

Some things don't turn out the way you planned.

Yesterday, I called to ask if Hannah wanted to go to lunch. No, she was going shopping with Larry.

What? Larry at the mall on black Friday? What was this about? Had this been an ordinary holiday, and I happened to be off, and I asked to go shopping, he would have bitched and bitched about it. But for Hannah, it is OK. Funny, it was always that way for Ashley, too.

I finally realized it is not about the money, or where we go, or what we do, or what we buy, it's me. Simply put, it's me.

It's like, he wants me there, but that's all. Just the idea of me being there, but nothing else. Don't plan anything, don't go anywhere, don't have an emotion. Just be there.

But I'm not.

I don't think he actually thought I would not be there for Thanksgiving. I don't think he actually believes I won't be there for Christmas. My favorite holiday, the one he hates the most.

Am I trying to prove a point? Maybe. Is it working? No. Will I actually get divorced? Probably. Will he be happy then? No. Will I? Yes.

Don't pull on the string unless you're ready for it to unravel.