the 20th

Tomorrow, Ashley leaves for bootcamp. Her birthday is the 26th.

She did send me a text message wishing me Happy Birthday. I replied, telling her I loved her, regardless of anything else.

My sister saw her on Saturday, then cried to me "I wish things were different" No kidding. I ask Marilee, who is brutally honest even when I don't want her to be, "Am I a bad person? Am I a bad mother?" She replied, "No, it is time for you to show tough love and stand your ground, you have always given in and you always regret it. You have given her everything, as you should have for as long as I can remember, she has given you little if anything for a while now, you are doing what you are supposed to do"

Brutal, she is right. But it is hard, very hard.

The mother in me wants to rush to her, hug her and forgive everything. The other side of me, that is a real person outside of a mother, can not.

In each of us, two natures are at war -- the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, and one of them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the power to choose -- what we want most to be we are. - Dr. Jekyll

She told Autumn she couldn't believe no one has called her. I wasn't sure how to react. Guilt? Glutton? Guilty, I have not called, gluttony, that is how I felt for a very long time.

I shake my head. I need a hole to crawl into sometimes.

Autumn tells her, "you need to take responsibility" She replies, "I know"

Time .... Every one needs a little time.

I think we are all going through a phase.